The following is a conversation that I had with The Beast’s preschool “teacher” when I picked him up today. Again, I put quotes around “teacher” because the woman is as dumb as cheese. (If you doubt my assessment, please see my post about aneurysms.) The stuff in parentheses is what was running through my mind but never verbalized.
Ms. I Suck At Grammar, heretofore known as Ms. ISAG: We had a bit of a problem getting The Beast to mind us today.
Me: Really? Is this a new thing? I kind of figured that was happening every day.
Ms. ISAG: [Blank stare.]
Me: (Ah, I forgot that you have the IQ of a flip-flop and can’t be expected to have a sense of humor.) Was he hitting other kids?
Ms. ISAG: Well, no, but every time we told him to do something, he’d turn away from us and run the other way.
Me: Yeah, he does that all the time. It’s his game. He turns everything into a game of chase.
Ms. ISAG: Well, he was just really having a hard time minding today.
Me: (Yes, Toast for Brains, you already told me that.) Yeah, I’m sorry about that.
Ms. ISAG: Well, do you have any suggestions for how we might be able to get him to mind us better? Anything that works for you at home?
Me: (You can try growling at him like a demon.) Not a clue. That’s why I signed him up for preschool.
Ms. ISAG: [Stare.]
Me: [Stare.] [Smile.]
Ms. ISAG: Well, do you read books at home?
Me: (No, we’re illiterate, you dumb twit. I think the bigger question is do YOU read books?) Yes, we read every day.
Ms. ISAG: Well, he’s been tearing pages out of some of our books, so maybe you could have a talk with him about respecting books.
Me: (Well, he’s 2, and it seems to me that only someone with the IQ of a bouncy ball would give a 2-year-old a book with paper pages. I don’t know a 2-year-old who doesn’t rip pages out of books.) Yes, of course we’ll have a talk about respecting books. (And then we’re going to have a talk about how you’re dumber than a Ziploc baggie.)
This has been an episode of Conversations with an Idiot.