1. If you say the phrase “bat out of hell” to a toddler, he will pick up on the words “bat” and “hell” and will repeat them all day.
2. An exchange between Ms. I’m Trying To Make This Child Go Into Anaphylactic Shock and me at The Beast’s Thanksgiving feast at “school” today.
Ms. I’m Trying To Make This Child Go Into Anaphylactic Shock: Yes, Stewie is allergic to milk. His mom sends a separate snack for him every day. (Places cheese cubes, not the snack Stewie’s mom sent, onto Stewie’s plate.)
Me: So, if he has milk allergies, is it okay for him to be eating cheese?
Ms. I’m Trying To Make This Child Go Into Anaphylactic Shock: Oh, my! Thank you. (Quickly removes cheese cubes before Stewie consumes milk and blows up like a puffer fish.)
Between this and the balloon incident, I’m starting to believe that Ms. ITTMTCGIAS (rolls off the tongue, right?) thinks that I think she’s a colossal idiot. She’s not wrong.
3. Today at the feast, a little boy, I’ll call him Screamy, threw a fit the likes of which I’ve never seen. He screamed throughout the entire lunch, and not a normal toddler scream. This was a shrill, high-pitched demon child scream that could shatter glass.
Screamy’s mom and dad, who are probably in their mid-20s and are victims of new-age crap parent teachings, tried to reason with Screamy. They never told him to stuff a turkey leg in his mouth and shut up. They never even told him to quiet down or use his inside voice. They just let him scream about not having the right cup and not having enough cupcakes and not wanting to sit in his chair.
So while he screamed and they placated him, the rest of us put our fingers in our ears so that our ear drums wouldn’t blow out of our heads. Screamy screamed “No!!” at least 75 gajillion times. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not judging these crappy parents. I’m just saying, if your child is screaming like a demon, maybe take him outside and perform an exorcism or something. Believe me when I say that I’ve left more than a handful of functions because of The Beast’s behavior.
Screamy’s mom did make sure to give us all a lecture about how Screamy never gets sweets at home and that’s why he’s screaming for another cupcake before he even finishes his first one. You know what I say to that? Give the kid a flipping cupcake so that he doesn’t cause us all to hemorrhage out of our ears.
This has been an episode of Random Observations and Wisdom.