The Pioneer Woman Can Suck It.

I recently found myself perusing the Pioneer Woman’s web site, and I kind of hate her.

I don’t hate her in a truly sinful way, you know where I sit around and plan her demise and imagine her spontaneously combusting just as she’s about to take a photo of her stupid dog.  What is that?  A beagle?  I don’t know my dog breeds.

I hate the way she makes me feel utterly inadequate as both a wife and mother, because while she’s able to run this empire of blogging, cook book writing, actual cooking, homeschooling, cowboy lusting, cattle ranching and photography, I’m a walking advertisement for The People of Walmart web site.  That’s how gross I am.

Anyway, I hate her.  And while I realize that all of these issues are bred out of jealousy and my own feelings of inadequacy, I’m, nevertheless, going to list the things about her that drive me nuts.  If you love her, don’t read this post.

1.  Her dog: She loves her dog.  I hate my dog.  This time it is in a sinful way that makes me imagine my dog spontaneously combusting.  I realize I’m evil for hating one of God’s creatures.  My dog is stuck in a perpetual cycle of bark.  Go outside.  Bark.  Come back inside.  Bark.  Go to my bathroom to eat.  Bark.  Come out of the bathroom.  Dry heave.  Bark.  Go back outside.  Vomit up something she ate three days ago.  Bark.  Come back inside.  Bark.  Go back to the bathroom to eat again.   (The Beast likes to play in the dog food so we have to lock it in our bathroom which requires me to open the door so the dog can eat.)  The Pioneer Woman apparently loves her dog so much that she takes 4 gajillion pictures of it with her fancy camera and posts every flipping one of them on her web site.  I’ll post a picture of my dog when she actually spontaneously combusts.

2.  Her children: I don’t hate her children.  I’m not that evil.  I don’t hate her for posting pictures of her children.  That’s lovely.  I don’t even hate her for homeschooling her children.  I hate her because I can barely handle The Good One’s homework while she’s able to homeschool four children.  The Good One recently came home and told me he had to write five sentences with synonyms.  I had him write five sentences with homonyms.  I have an English degree and I totally jacked up his homework.  If I homeschooled The Good One, I’d be legally drunk all day and he’d be qualified for a career in ticket-taking at an amusement park.  In my imagination, she only pretends to homeschool her kids and they are actually just illiterate mountain children who spend their day running around with cattle.

3.  Her husband, Marlboro Man:  I get it, your husband is a sexy, virile cowboy, but do you have to take pictures of his butt in chaps?  My husband would literally have to be dead before I’d be permitted to put a picture of his butt online.  And is Marlboro Man really that awesome all the time?  Surely he’s come in from a night of cow-tipping with his buddies and traipsed through the house with manure all over his boots causing her to want to knock him over the head with one of her perfectly seasoned cast iron skillets.  Why doesn’t she write a post about that?  Why doesn’t she post about how when Marlboro Man snores, she dreams of smothering him with a pillow?  That’s normal married behavior.  Maybe I’m just jealous that my husband doesn’t wear chaps.  I’m going to start calling my husband Virginia Slims Man and post pictures of him drinking beer in his boxer shorts while he watches Hillbilly Handfishin’ on Animal Planet.

4.  Her hair:  I realize I’m being petty but I have a truly craptastic haircut and I hate it so much that I dream of having long hair even though I don’t look good in really long hair, so by virtue of her having long hair, I hate her.  If you have long hair, I also hate you.  Don’t take it personally.  I’ll like you again when my hair grows out.  Or when you cut yours off.

5.  Her use of canned foods:  I’m not a food snob who refuses to use cans because of BPA, although that does cause me some concern.  I’m a hypochondriac with OCD who is actually afraid of cans.  I have no idea what the phobia is called (alumicanibotulisiphobia?), but her willy-nilly use of cans stresses me out.  So basically I hate her for her lack of insanity.

6.  She likes cats:  The Pioneer Woman loves her cats and posts pictures of them wearing jewelry and sleeping with the aforementioned beagle(?).  If you’re a cat person I probably don’t like you either.  I have a cat that stays outside and is basically a wild animal.  She’s feral and mean and leaves us alone but does a good job of killing snakes, mice and birds.  I don’t let my kids near her because she will eat them.  Cat people, like cats, cannot be trusted.

7.  The photos of her food:  I realize that her blog is often about food, but do we really have to have 20 pictures of sticky buns?  Maybe what actually bothers me here is that she’s able to find time to make these foods, often from scratch, and take eleventy-two bazillion pictures of them, and they all look amazing.  Somehow I don’t think people would be as impressed with photos of me opening a bag of shredded cheese and adding it to a bag of frozen tater tots.  Or on an especially crappy day, a photo of me pouring a bowl of cereal.

8.  She has someone stand behind her and take pictures of her while she’s taking pictures. That’s just nuts.

And people say I need to be medicated.

Yum!

Hey, Virginia Slims Man!  It’s dinnertime.

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111 thoughts on “The Pioneer Woman Can Suck It.

    • Agreed! Love the Pionner Woman but this post made me LOL like woah. Also, I have long hair, have cats and love them, have a dog and love her, but imagine smothering Ford all the time when he gets to sleep in hours past me. I’ve been told I’m not supposed to tell people that. Win some, lose some.

    • Literally laughed until I cried reading this and I, too, love PW. I think we all feel a bit inadequate next to PW, but her blog is entertaining, chaps, dogs and all 🙂

  1. Thank you for sounding like the sanest person I’ve heard in a long time – I could totally hug you right now! I don’t care one way or the other about Pioneer woman, I’m just loving your honesty and humor. And your milk pour is a.maz.ing.

  2. I have on my husband’s dirty shirt with mashed potatoes on the boob. Oh, and it was dirty when I put it on… before the mashed potatoes. Basically what I’m telling you is that you are not alone.

    • FYI, I had to read this aloud to my husband because I thought it was so funny. In the past I have only read him aloud Barefoot Foodie and the Bloggess. Take that as a compliment.

  3. I read PW nearly every day and I watch her show and you’ve really nailed all the things about her that I find just a teensy bit annoying, while still making me laugh so hard I nearly wet my pants. Thanks!

  4. I appreciate the a lot of PW’s blog and have recently seen a couple of episodes of her new show! You gotta check it out. She seriously must have like 3 assistants or housekeepers or something. Still, I like her style.

    • I think she has way more than 3; from what I’ve heard she has a whole team. She is a totally made-up super, rich persona…but more power to her she has quite an empire of knock-off recipes etc.

  5. Oh, you make me laugh – and I have to admit, I feel the same way. And I believe she has a lot of help there at that ranch – more help than the likes of you or me have! (like someone coming in and helping her clean her house)

  6. Mort

    I think you might have an inferiority complex … but I still love you. If you got up at 4am and went to bed at midnight, you could do all the stuff the PW does. Of course you would feel and look like crap.

  7. I love Ree but your post is hilarious!! I’ve often wondered how she does it all. I’m much more like you! Also, hating my hair after cutting it short a year & a half ago and it’s still not even shoulder length yet. I look quite special, lemme tell ya.

  8. OMG This is hysterical! I haven’t laughed this hard in a long, long time. Thank you. Most of us are so far from the perfect image some bloggers show online. I am very grateful to you for this! (Was that at least organic milk you were pouring into that cereal? Just kidding!)

  9. I love this! The difference between “perfect” people and the rest of us is perception. When you see that incessantly barking dog driving you nuts she see him trying to communicate! I can all but guarantee you that her life has all the bumps and bruises that we often feel dominate ours, she has just gotten better at looking the other way! I’ve always admired people that thrive on chaos! Great blog!

  10. Most excellent.
    I actually don’t read her blog. I feel like I know everything I need to by other people talking about her blog.
    I used to dream of homeschooling my kids until I actually had kids. I understand your hate for the glossy, prettiness of the Pioneer Woman.
    My husband is super hot, but I did just cut all my hair off… feel free to love me.
    PS- Me likey your funny.

  11. This is hysterical and I couldn’t agree more. I love to hate PW. Honestly. All that homemaking and loving everybody? It’s much easier to let the chaos roll and rat out your family by threatening to blog about them.
    Awesome post!!!!!

  12. Charlie is a Basset Hound not a beagle. I love the dog. I love her pictures and her blog. She seems to be brilliant to me to have become a millionaire from her blog, recipes, and ranch life. Nothing bad to say about her and especially not her dog!

    • She was a millionaire to begin with. Her husband’s family are one of the largest cattle ranchers in OK, so she’s not some little struggling rancher’s wife. I mean, good for her for doing what she loves and building an empire, but, like people born on third base thinking they hit a triple, it’s a little disingenuous to paint herself as a simple, country girl. It’s a bit easier to get a TV contract when you can build your own studio.

  13. Awesome! I commented on FB that I think PW is the Martha Stewart of the blogging age. We all kind of want to be her, yet also hate her at the same time. Your post really says it all — hysterical!!

    • My first ever offer for a lesbian tryst. My husband kind of loves this. My very conservative dad is likely horrified.

  14. Pingback: Random n’at | That's Church

  15. I love to hate PW too! I don’t have time for a third of what she does AND I don’t even have children. Her pulled pork recipe is amazing, BTW. But I am a crazy cat lady, so I guess you hate me too 🙂 PS Love the Cheerio photos.

  16. You got a nice shout-out on “That’s Church,” and that’s what brought me here. Awesome post! Honesty is even more delicious than the Pioneer Woman recipes.

  17. AND! I only recently found out that she has her own show on the Food Network. You know, I don’t really hate her. I don’t really love her. I have some in-between jealous disdain for her. Like “how the fuck did she become so important?”

    And honestly, she makes it seem easy because she has an assistant who does her dirty work, and help. There’s no way on earth someone can do that full time without help. I can barely shit by myself, and I only have two kids and a single family home on maybe .6 acres. Which I can’t even keep up with.

  18. You know that time of the day, when you are so tired that you could fall asleep sitting straight up at your desk? Better yet, lay your head down on the desk and not even care what your boss thinks? Then you start to read something online that makes you laugh so hard that your body starts shaking uncontrollably and tears start rolling down your face? You are so out of control laughing that your co-workers start to stare at you out of concern for your mental health? Yeah.. that just happened.

    • I have totally done that before. Now I just do it at home and have my husband and two toddlers looking at me as if I just totally lost all of my marbles. Not that I had many left to begin with, I’m married and have two toddlers after all.

  19. You are as funny as your sister – I bet growing up in your house was a riot. And as someone else noted, she does have a staff, including a teacher who home-schools her kids. Marlboro Man is not only in possession of a fine-looking rear, he’s also loaded – the family is one of the wealthiest in their state.

    Also, see here for another good laugh: http://www.pienearwoman.com/

  20. If it makes you feel any better, Ree has gained like fifty pounds since she became a blogging sensation. I self comfort with thoughts of her ever expanding ass quite often.

  21. I tried her cinnamon rolls. I could taste the baking soda in them. I did not smother them with all that icing, either. NO WAY do people need all that sugar!! I found that recipe to be a typical American culinary “delight”–just smother something in sugar and think it’s ok to serve your family (or anyone. Ugh! I recommend the King Arthur Flour Company’s recipe for cinnamon rolls (or any baked goods).

  22. For REAL!!! I love Ree, and she has some good recipes. But yeah… There’s a personal assistant/tutor/gardener/etc in there that we’ve never been told about. Back here in the real world, there’s a lot less baking and picture taking!

  23. Although I read The Pioneer Woman’s blog fairly regularly, I am filled with the same feelings of *gasp* envy? when I stop to really think about it. My blog features a photo of the 4 foot high mountain of unfolded laundry on my couch. Someday…..

  24. Pingback: Box Tops for Education…or as I call them, tiny rectangles of evil. | My Toddler is a Supervillain

  25. This was so hilarious I laughed out loud so much my children came running to see what was happening. I have no idea who PW is but I don’t want to know anyone that can make me feel like less of the perfect domestic goddess my husband feels he deserves. Your humor is a balm to my itchy, scratchy, life. LOVE IT!

  26. Pingback: Random Crap about My Blog | My Toddler is a Supervillain

  27. I finally looked up TPW’s blog. I don’t know if I like her or not ‘cuz I am simply overwhelmed by her site. Too much, too much, too much. My eyes can’t focus on any one thing. So I’ll just assume she does everything better than I do and hate her, too 😉

  28. Have you missed The Marlboro Woman, The Pioneer Woman Sux and Pie Near Woman sites? They’ll clear up any and all misconceptions about the PW. Ree Drummond doesn’t do half the things she claims while her mega-rich husband babysits wild mustangs and collects a big fat, honking annual check from the BLM. Ree has paid tutors to help with the home schooling, a CIA grad on the payroll who tests and re-tests the recipes Ree lifts from church and community cookbooks, ghost writers for the blog, Voce Communications who manages her website, Madison Avenue publicists, a literary agent and United Artists. The Pioneer Woman is a manufactured Internet persona engineered by Drummond and her media team. All Ree does is spend her husband’s money.

  29. Probably the funniest thing I have ever read! Glad I ran across this when I googled “Pioneer Woman’s Husband” looking to see if he is as big of a jerkface as he seems to be on the show. And I appreciate greatly that there was no f bombs dropped in the blog post!

  30. Kudo’s to you…..I can’t even watch her cooking show at all. She just gets underneath my skin and I get annoyed by watching her so I don’t. I’m sure she has lots of help that is not shown on t.v.

  31. I really like Pioneer Woman and all she does. I don’t envy her, but admire her. So what if it’s a bit glammed up and picture perfect? It instills in me a desire to keep holding my chin up when I am far less then this. If we have less, jealousy is a bad road to take. I didn’t find this satire funny.

  32. Amen, Ree sucks. Her rich husband has paid to make her famous, gag. Did you know they built the “guest-house” (aka. TV studio) when she was still pretending to be just a little “ranch-wife” ?! yeah right

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  37. This. Was. Hilarious. I’m kind of in the middle with the whole love-hate of The Pioneer Woman. I definitely find myself jealous of her though, I mean who couldn’t be?

    But, I also think it’s a little silly for people to dedicate entire blogs (not single posts, but whole websites) to talking about a woman they supposedly hate with everything in them. What’s better is when they offer advertising on said sites. I just find this a little ironic — so PW’s popularity is now feeding visitors to your hate blog and essentially making you money…interesting.

    That said I really enjoyed and appreciated this post because it’s honest and was funny to read. I especially loved your step-by-step on making a bowl of cereal. Totally my life. Also this: “I’m a walking advertisement for The People of Walmart web site. That’s how gross I am.” Made me laugh for probably a minute straight because I can definitely relate.

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  39. Guess how I found your site? After watching an episode of Pioneer Woman I googled “does anyone else find Pioneer Woman extremely annoying”…nough said!

  40. The pioneer lady does suck. Her food and recipes are mawkish, retarded attempts that move the culinary arts back 20 years. She should go deepthroat a chainsaw.

  41. My stomach hurts from laughing!!! Thank you for posting. I think we may be twins separated at birth! I do watch her show sometimes but it’s like watching hockey or a Nascar race — You don’t want anyone to get hurt, don’t really want to watch but you just gotta see what’s “happening on the ranch” next. Homemade granola again while she teaches her kids, prepares breakfast served in a Mason jar…..it’s really funny.

  42. After reading this post, you are my favorite. I am a public school teacher, so I hate her just on her homeschooling alone. All I have to say is she chose to give up her job/life in the city. She shouldn’t make the rest of us feel inadequate because she got bored with life on the ranch.

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  45. But it doesnt even look like her husband likes her everytime he walks in hes got an annoyed look on his face lol.. shes ugly as fuck an acts like shes top notch. An so boring to hear.. its great she has her confidence but her husband is so tired an bored of her cheesy act. but her cooking is great. I wouldnt be jelouse of a woman that looks like she trapped the good looker like the marlboro man. Just by looking of course lol not at all facts.

  46. Ree is a slave driver. Her kids have no life. Her recipes are based on canned food, and should not be on fn. She isn’t a chef, or even a good home cook. She needs to be off the show.

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