I recently found myself perusing the Pioneer Woman’s web site, and I kind of hate her.
I don’t hate her in a truly sinful way, you know where I sit around and plan her demise and imagine her spontaneously combusting just as she’s about to take a photo of her stupid dog. What is that? A beagle? I don’t know my dog breeds.
I hate the way she makes me feel utterly inadequate as both a wife and mother, because while she’s able to run this empire of blogging, cook book writing, actual cooking, homeschooling, cowboy lusting, cattle ranching and photography, I’m a walking advertisement for The People of Walmart web site. That’s how gross I am.
Anyway, I hate her. And while I realize that all of these issues are bred out of jealousy and my own feelings of inadequacy, I’m, nevertheless, going to list the things about her that drive me nuts. If you love her, don’t read this post.
1. Her dog: She loves her dog. I hate my dog. This time it is in a sinful way that makes me imagine my dog spontaneously combusting. I realize I’m evil for hating one of God’s creatures. My dog is stuck in a perpetual cycle of bark. Go outside. Bark. Come back inside. Bark. Go to my bathroom to eat. Bark. Come out of the bathroom. Dry heave. Bark. Go back outside. Vomit up something she ate three days ago. Bark. Come back inside. Bark. Go back to the bathroom to eat again. (The Beast likes to play in the dog food so we have to lock it in our bathroom which requires me to open the door so the dog can eat.) The Pioneer Woman apparently loves her dog so much that she takes 4 gajillion pictures of it with her fancy camera and posts every flipping one of them on her web site. I’ll post a picture of my dog when she actually spontaneously combusts.
2. Her children: I don’t hate her children. I’m not that evil. I don’t hate her for posting pictures of her children. That’s lovely. I don’t even hate her for homeschooling her children. I hate her because I can barely handle The Good One’s homework while she’s able to homeschool four children. The Good One recently came home and told me he had to write five sentences with synonyms. I had him write five sentences with homonyms. I have an English degree and I totally jacked up his homework. If I homeschooled The Good One, I’d be legally drunk all day and he’d be qualified for a career in ticket-taking at an amusement park. In my imagination, she only pretends to homeschool her kids and they are actually just illiterate mountain children who spend their day running around with cattle.
3. Her husband, Marlboro Man: I get it, your husband is a sexy, virile cowboy, but do you have to take pictures of his butt in chaps? My husband would literally have to be dead before I’d be permitted to put a picture of his butt online. And is Marlboro Man really that awesome all the time? Surely he’s come in from a night of cow-tipping with his buddies and traipsed through the house with manure all over his boots causing her to want to knock him over the head with one of her perfectly seasoned cast iron skillets. Why doesn’t she write a post about that? Why doesn’t she post about how when Marlboro Man snores, she dreams of smothering him with a pillow? That’s normal married behavior. Maybe I’m just jealous that my husband doesn’t wear chaps. I’m going to start calling my husband Virginia Slims Man and post pictures of him drinking beer in his boxer shorts while he watches Hillbilly Handfishin’ on Animal Planet.
4. Her hair: I realize I’m being petty but I have a truly craptastic haircut and I hate it so much that I dream of having long hair even though I don’t look good in really long hair, so by virtue of her having long hair, I hate her. If you have long hair, I also hate you. Don’t take it personally. I’ll like you again when my hair grows out. Or when you cut yours off.
5. Her use of canned foods: I’m not a food snob who refuses to use cans because of BPA, although that does cause me some concern. I’m a hypochondriac with OCD who is actually afraid of cans. I have no idea what the phobia is called (alumicanibotulisiphobia?), but her willy-nilly use of cans stresses me out. So basically I hate her for her lack of insanity.
6. She likes cats: The Pioneer Woman loves her cats and posts pictures of them wearing jewelry and sleeping with the aforementioned beagle(?). If you’re a cat person I probably don’t like you either. I have a cat that stays outside and is basically a wild animal. She’s feral and mean and leaves us alone but does a good job of killing snakes, mice and birds. I don’t let my kids near her because she will eat them. Cat people, like cats, cannot be trusted.
7. The photos of her food: I realize that her blog is often about food, but do we really have to have 20 pictures of sticky buns? Maybe what actually bothers me here is that she’s able to find time to make these foods, often from scratch, and take eleventy-two bazillion pictures of them, and they all look amazing. Somehow I don’t think people would be as impressed with photos of me opening a bag of shredded cheese and adding it to a bag of frozen tater tots. Or on an especially crappy day, a photo of me pouring a bowl of cereal.
8. She has someone stand behind her and take pictures of her while she’s taking pictures. That’s just nuts.
And people say I need to be medicated.
Hey, Virginia Slims Man! It’s dinnertime.