Sometimes I imagine God is up in heaven having a nice cup of coffee in the morning, looking down into my house and absolutely cracking the heck up that He’s been able to give me exactly what I ask for and yet still shock the crap out of me.
I used to pray for patience in dealing with The Beast, but then The Beast would try my patience all day. It didn’t occur to me that the way we develop patience is to have it tested. I prayed the prayer of a stupid woman. So now, instead of praying for patience, I pray that The Beast not be so evil. Totally different prayer.
Some days as I try to write this blog, I have a completely vapid and blank mind. I’m like a Kardashian. Or my one really boring sister. So I’ll say a prayer to have ideas or to see experiences in my daily life in such a way that I could write about them.
This morning I woke up and thought to myself, What will I write about this week? Then I checked my e-mail and —
God dropped in my lap an iTunes bill for $150.32 for in-app purchases in a game called DragonVale courtesy of The Good One or, as we call him now, The Grounded Until His Ass Has A Job One.
I imagine the following occurred this morning in heaven:
God: [Sitting on his throne, drinking coffee. Surveying the world. He sees me wake up and begins to chuckle to himself knowing what’s waiting for me in my inbox.]
Peter: Hey, Big Guy, why are you snickering?
God: You gotta come watch this. This woman recently asked me for an idea for her blog. Actually a lot of people ask me for ideas for their blogs. Most of the time I just give them an idea. But watch this one. She’s gonna flip out. You gotta watch.
Peter: [Peers down into my house and giggles in anticipation.]
Me: [Crawl out of bed, pee, wash my hands and reach for my phone.]
God: Here she goes. Here she goes. She’s grabbing her phone to check her mail. Watch! Watch! Here she goes!
Me: [Read e-mail bill from iTunes.] Sweet Mary, what fresh hell is this?! Virginia Slims Man, LOOK AT THIS BILL!! I’m going to tar and feather your son!
Virginia Slims Man: [Looks at e-mail] What the hell are sacks of gems?! These better be actual gems!
God: We got him, too! We got him, too! Two for the price of one prayer. This is as good as when I get the 7-10 split when we bowl! [Doubles over in laughter, rolls onto floor. Coffee spews from his nose and it rains latte-colored acid rain in Canada.]
Peter: [Wiping tears from his eyes.] Oh, man. That was a good one. Don’t you just love it when they pray open-ended prayers like that?
God: Yeah, those are the best. This is better than Pitbulls and Parolees on Animal Planet.
*Note to Dad (a minister): I do not actually blame God for my morning any more than I blame you for my insanity.
We all know that’s Mom’s fault.
Back to my morning…you want to know what was purchased for $150.32? Were you not paying attention? I already told you. Sacks of gems. Well, to be more precise, piles, sacks, bags and boxes of gems.
You want to know what the gems do in the game? They hang on a gem tree.
You want to know what the gem tree does? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!!
In 17 separate purchases ranging from $1.99 to $24.99 each, my son has purchased a tree of imaginary crap that is useless both in real life and in a game. Surely there’s a special category for that kind of stupid.
Before you get all testy with me, I’m not calling my kid stupid. I’m calling $150.32 worth of imaginary crap stupid.
And I’m kind of calling my kid stupid.
Here is a list of things I’d rather have than a $150.32 imaginary gem tree:
- A three-legged dog with mange that needs a surgery that will cost $150.32
- Three inside cats with questionable litter box skills
- The Pioneer Woman’s cookbooks
- 100 dented cans of tomato products
- Any 150 items available for purchase at the dollar store
- A six-month subscription to the Journal of Dentistry
- A new filling in a tooth that doesn’t even have a cavity
- 17 packs of Hanes cotton underwear three sizes too small
- Three large bags of lawn fertilizer, the poisonous kind
- $150.32 worth of chickens to lay eggs in my yard
- 150 shower caps
- 1,503 Box Tops for Education
Now, I take part of the blame for this. When Virginia Slims Man and I got new iPhones recently, we gave The Good One one of our old phones and just disabled the phone capabilities so it was essentially an iPod Touch. Only we never went into the settings and disabled the in-app purchase ability.
And because of that stupidity we now own some very bedazzled fake foliage.
The Good One insists that he didn’t make all of the purchases. He had asked me if he could make two purchases for $1.99 each, and I said yes since he was going to pay me for them. And over the past two days he has had several friends over, and yesterday we had a bunch of people over for the Super Bowl and many of the kids played with his phone, so it is possible that my new tree was purchased courtesy of some very generous friends.
We gave him a lecture at breakfast about being responsible and how with $150.32 we could have purchased two or three new Xbox games or gone out to dinner several times or bought groceries or gone to the movies, like, twice, but instead we are now the owners of fake rubies and sapphires that hang on a fake tree in a fake dragon village.
I feel like a fake princess who wants to take a fake chainsaw and hack down my new fake gem tree so that I can beat to death my son’s fake dragons with the fake tree branches and then feed their bloodied carcasses to the fake vultures I hope are flying through DragonVale.
And I’d also like to take actual tree branches and beat the Nimrods who invented the game in the first place.
The Slightly Less Good One self-grounded himself from seeing Star Wars in 3D on Friday. He said he just didn’t think he was responsible enough to have that privilege. He also gave us a $100 down-payment on his bill. These two actions make me question his innocence. I certainly wouldn’t hand over $100 of my money of my own accord if I didn’t actually do the evil deed. Who knows?
On a completely unrelated note, I’ve put a gem tree up for sale on eBay. Let me know if you’re interested.
A couple of pictures, just for you.
You are welcome.