I don’t know how things are where you live, but in my town there’s a huge debate over whether it’s best to homeschool your kids, send them to private school or put them in public school.
Now, homeschooling is absolutely not an option for us. There are some homeschool moms who have told me, “Oh, you could do it.” Well, I assure you that I most certainly could not. If I homeschooled The Good One I’d have to figure out what to do with The Beast. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this, but he’s kind of a handful. So it’s not like I could sit him in the living room with toys and be left in peace to impart all of my geniusness onto The Good One. I could let The Beast watch T.V. all day, but regardless of what Nick Jr. says, I don’t really think it’s like preschool on T.V. Although The Beast has learned to count to 15 by watching Team Umizoomi. And he’s learned to count to 10 in Spanish by watching Dora. Yes, I let him watch Nick, Jr. Shut up. It’s like preschool on T.V.
Anyway, I’m absolutely positive that if I even attempted to homeschool The Good One, he’d end up dumber than shoes. And not smart shoes like Christian Louboutins. Stupid shoes, like flip-flops. Or Crocs.
So that leaves public school or private school. Now, I generally have two conditions for acceptable schools: 1, That my son not be at high risk of being shivved on the playground. 2, That he come home less stupid than he was when he left. (I think the phrase you’re looking for is “high standards.”) The Good One’s elementary school is very safe, relatively new, has lots of great teachers, is 3 minutes from my house, and best of all, it’s free.
Now, I know some of you are thinking, You can’t put a price on a child’s education. Well, yes, you can. And that price is $10,000. I’m not paying anyone $10,000 to teach my kid how to multiply. Unless he’s about to be shivved.
My two best friends send their kids to private school and my husband and I talk about how stupid they are all the time. I’m kidding. They read this blog. We do not talk about how stupid they are for sending their kids to private school.
We talk about how stupid they are for totally different reasons.
Anyway, since my child is at a safe school and doesn’t seem to be coming home stupider than he was when he left the house, I’ve considered public school to be a good choice.
Then I received this in The Good One’s folder today. He recently had a writing assessment and they sent home the Writing Rubric to let us know how the kids were assessed. This was one of the factors they considered.
I kept reading and saw this:
So, I’m thinking to myself, who wrote this thing? I knew that it wasn’t my son’s teacher. I had pinned it down to a class of first graders or a janitor named Rocco who hangs out in the boiler room. (Didn’t your janitor always hang out in the boiler room?)
Then I read this:
It wasn’t the janitors or a group of moms on the PTA who came up with this official piece of un-proofed crap. (I’m not suggesting PTA moms are stupid or illiterate. I’m a member of the PTA and I’m practically a genius. I am, however, suggesting that janitors are illiterate.)
It was the literacy coaches. The people who, by their very name, are trained to coach people towards literacy wrote this. If you were learning to read, these would be the people in the corner cheering you on, giving you a pep talk, squirting Gatorade in your mouth when you get thirsty. Well, maybe not the last one. That would be the Literacy Waterboys.
Aside: Does your husband love the movie The Waterboy as much as my husband does? I hate that movie with all of my being. I saw it all the way through one time and wanted to beat the ever-loving crap out of Adam Sandler the whole time. I’m pretty sure my I.Q. dropped 5 points just by watching it. My husband watches it every chance he gets. He probably has the I.Q. of raw meat. And not smart raw meat like Kobe beef; stupid raw meat, like Mad Cow beef.
Now, this kind of chaps my ass for two reasons.
1. Public school children’s days are literally jam packed with lessons every minute of every day. The teachers, at least in Texas, are expected to cover a very specific lesson in each subject each day. There is no room for unexpected fun activities because if a certain subject isn’t covered on a specific day, then they have to play catch-up, and there’s no time for catch-up. Teachers are expected to fill their lesson plans with as much material as possible so that they can make sure all of their students pass the standardized tests. They teach to that test. And this school district that judges these teachers based upon the performance of the students on that standardized test can’t be bothered to proofread a simple form.
2. It bugs me that this same school district that can’t be bothered to proofread a form that is being sent to every parent of a third grader is judging my son based upon his attention to detail.
However, this does kind of explain why The Good One thought that the largest chain of barrier islands in the U.S. ran from Kansas to Kentucky.
Now, please excuse me. I’ve got to go talk to my husband about private school.
P.S. In spite of my being a self-described genius, you may come across a typo or two on my blog. You can assume all typographical errors are intentional and you don’t need to tell me about them. It’s my blog and I get to spell and punctuate things the way I want to. If it bothers you, you can start a blog that corrects all of my typographical errors. (Nobody will read your blog, but at least you’ll feel better.)