This Post Isn’t Even A Little Bit Funny

I’ve never done a post that wasn’t at least attempting to be funny, but yesterday was a really crappy day and I need to write about it so that I can sleep.  So if you’re looking for funny, skip this one.

Yesterday evening just really kind of sucked.  The day was okay until late afternoon and then it all went to hell.  I was trying to make dinner, so I had The Good One occupy The Beast.  And The Beast started throwing epic fits when The Good One wouldn’t let him have certain Hot Wheels and The Beast started hitting The Good One.  I finally told The Beast that he wasn’t going to get to watch a show before bedtime for hitting his brother.

This started another fit which eventually calmed down when The Good One managed to distract him.  Then The Good One and VSM had to go to soccer practice.  I was still trying to cook dinner but The Beast kept nagging me for a show.  I finally told him he could have a show if he cleaned up his toys.  Yes, I realize that I don’t follow through on my punishments.  I suck.  I get it.

But when I offered this deal to The Beast, he started screaming at me, “NO, YOU CLEAN UP MY TOYS!  I WANT A SHOW!”

I kept telling him not unless he cleaned up his toys, and then he’d scream “NO!” at me at the top of his lungs.  Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore and I put him in a timeout.  When his timeout was over, I walked over to him and started to calmly say, “You can’t scream ‘no’ at Mommy, like that…” and he looked me in the eyes and screamed “NOOOO!” right in my face.

And I smacked him on the leg.  And it hurt my hand and I knew it hurt him and I instantly felt awful.  We decided when we adopted The Good One that we wouldn’t spank, and honestly the kid never needed a spanking.  But The Beast could probably be spanked multiple times each day.

I don’t judge you if you spank.  I was spanked as a child and harbor no ill-will towards my parents because of it, and honestly, given the option of spanking or grounding, I chose spanking every time.

But when I smacked The Beast’s leg, I felt like a horrible, crappy, sucky mom who just lost it.

Then when The Good One and VSM got home from soccer, I told VSM how awful I felt and I don’t think he realized it was really bothering me.  Then after dinner VSM and I got into a huge fight which ended when I left the room with my head spinning and foam coming out of my mouth.

Then, to top it all off, I worked my ass off on that post about how I’m an awesome mom who works hard all day, only to find out that I’m actually just a PMSing sarcastic ass who deserved the snark that was given to me.

So then I had to issue a retraction on my stupid blog post because I couldn’t figure out how to just remove the damn thing, which probably wouldn’t matter because the 3 people that get an email saying I put up a new post would realize something was up.

So I tried to go to bed, but I felt like such a sucky wife and mom that I couldn’t sleep.  I should just go ahead and kick a puppy so that I can complete the trifecta of suck.

Also, my face is as broken out as a 15-year-old pubescent boy on steroids.

So, that is why I can’t sleep tonight.

I plan to have a pity party all day tomorrow.  I will be sitting on the couch watching soap operas, eating chocolate and praying for the sweet relief of menstruation.  If you actually know me as a real person and not some idiot blogger, do not call me as I will not be answering my phone.

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7 thoughts on “This Post Isn’t Even A Little Bit Funny

  1. You are not alone – we all lose it at tomes – especially those of us blessed with a Beast. My son was crazy easy, but my daughter (now 8) pushes me to my limits daily.

  2. My mother often tells people, “I never beat my children. But with (the middle one), I really regret that.”

    But don’t let her fool you. She could wield the Wooden Spoon with the best of them. She should have gotten a holster for it. But then she’d have lost the deterrent effect of the sound of the kitchen drawer being yanked open.

    • I swore I was staying offline today, but this cracked me up. I very clearly remember hearing the sound of the kitchen drawer being yanked open and instantly being filled with dread. Good times.

  3. Don’t be so hard on yourself (EASY FOR ME TO SAY ALERT)! I just mean, I read all those posts, and the testicle removal one was damn funny, the retraction one was so perfect I almost copied and pasted it into a draft post so I could use it next time I have to retract one of my rants, and this one is just plain real. I lost my schmidt when I was in the middle of my divorce and smacked my daughter on the face – not really hard, but still horrible – I never forgave myself, and what’s worse, she brought it up years later because she still remembers it (I was holding out hope she was too young at the time to remember). But you know what? She forgives me. I lose sleep over that kind of stuff all the time – HATE that – but in 99.9% of the cases, I’m the one doing 99.9% of the stressing. Everybody else gets over it way faster than we do. I read your blog, and you’re an awesome mom and wife. Now you go eat your chocolate and kick that PMS’s a$$.

  4. You know you’re a good mom when you hurt after losing it with the kids. And because you’re a good mom, your kids will forgive you. They know you love them unconditionally and they will learn from you that sometimes life is overwhelming and sometimes we react without thinking, but that we always acknowledge and regret not handling a situation better. We’re all human and it happens. They will truly appreciate this when THEY lose it with THEIR kids and they’ll call you to apologize for their childhoods 🙂 THAT’S good parenting.

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