Conversations with The Beast — A Postette

Conversation #1

The Beast:  [Frantically.]  Mommy, I got boogers!  I got boogers!

Me:  Come here, Baby.  Let me wipe your nose.

The Beast:  [Runs to the kitchen.]

Me:  [Get a Boogie Wipe (it’s an actual thing) and wipe his nose.  Notice something in his hair and start to pull it out with my hands.]  What is this in your hair?

The Beast:  Boogers, Mom.  I put boogers in my hair.  I don’t like boogers.

Me:  Can’t say I’m very fond of your boogers either.

You may think that’s gross, but I assure you that if you have kids and haven’t had that conversation yet, you will.

If you don’t have kids yet but hope to have them in the future, consider yourself warned.  You might want to print off these pages and collate them into a parenting book because the stuff I’m giving you is pure gold.

Everyone tells you about the love and cuddling and joy.  Nobody tells you about the snot and the poop.

Consider this blog to be the snot and poop of parenting advice.

Conversation #2

Scene:  On the floor in The Beast’s room changing his diaper.

The Beast:  I touch my knees, Mommy?

Me:  Yes, you can touch your knees.

The Beast:  I touch my penis?

Me:  Yes, you can touch your penis.

The Beast:  I touch Mommy’s penis?

Me:  Mommy doesn’t have a penis.

The Beast:  (Sympathetically.)  Awww.

The kid is 2 and already knows that having a penis means you rule the world.

Conversation #3

Scene:  The Beast is at the table eating his peanut butter sandwich.  As usual, he shoves too much in his mouth and starts to gag on the sandwich.

Me:  [Bang on The Beast’s back to dislodge the sandwich.]

The Beast:  [Gags up sandwich.  Points to the pile of masticated and regurgitated food.]  Look, mom!  A cinnamon roll!  Fer youuuuu.

Me:  No, I’m good.

Glamorous.  I know.

It is now 2:00 p.m. on Tuesday, I am still in my pajamas and I haven’t showered since Sunday.

The word you are looking for is “sexy.”

Or maybe “ripe.”

I truly don’t know how my husband keeps his hands off of me.

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9 thoughts on “Conversations with The Beast — A Postette

  1. Shortly after I had my daughter my mom called to see how it was going. My response, “Well I’ve been pee’d on, pooped on, and puked on and it isn’t even 8am. I guess this makes me a real mom.”

  2. Once, in a bugger emergency, I used my shirt – yep, I knew when I did it, it probably wasn’t a good idea.
    Later, we are talking months later, we were at the park, I was talking to another mom, and I felt my daughter tug on my shirt – can you guess what’s coming next? betcha can.
    She wasn’t tugging for my attention, she was blowing her nose in my shirt.
    This is when the voice over dude and the bottle of Clorox are supposed to magically appear saying “thank goodness for Clorox”

  3. Makes me so thrilled that I had a full-time job and was out the door before you all woke up. Mom is a true saint. In fact, all moms are right up there with Mother Teresa.

  4. How unfortunate for me that I was eating yogurt as I was reading your post. Are you surprised that I threw the rest away?

  5. Ha! Love this. My daughter announced the other day I had boogers and attempted to pick them for me w her favorite boogie picking finger… Obviously I have a health care provider on my hands.

  6. It’s such a glamorous life being a mom. Just the other day I had to wipe a butt then calmly go back (after washing my hands) and finish my lunch. So full of awesome.

    • “So full of awesome” is the perfect way to describe it. And I eat nearly every meal after a dirty diaper change because The Beast poops 4 times a day and has no desire to be potty trained!

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