I’ve been trying to work on a real post all morning, but it’s Spring Break and The Good One has a friend over and The Beast is awake, and I’m having an allergy attack the likes of which I’ve never experienced and I have since been informed that I need Claritin but can’t leave the house to buy any Claritin so I’m suffering with itchy, swollen eyes and because of all those things I can’t seem to form a coherent thought today.
Do you feel bad for me yet?
I’d like to take some Benadryl, but I’m afraid I’ll fall asleep and The Beast will kill me. Unintentionally, of course. I don’t think he’s a serial killer or anything. Although whenever he sees a baby we have this conversation:
Me: Aww, look at that baby.
The Beast: Mommy, I hit that baby?
Me: No, Beast, you cannot hit that baby. [Then I look apologetically at the mother as she looks judgmentally at me as she tries to figure out what I’ve done to jack up my son that makes him want to assault babies.]
I have no idea which future sociopathic disorder that’s a sign of, but I do know it’s not good.
Anyway, since I’m stupid today, I thought I’d take the easy way out and share with you some random crap about my blog. You will probably not be interested in any of this, but it’s my blog so I’m going to write about it anyway.
1. I’d like to give a shout out to the 23 people who viewed my blog today from Saint Kitts and Nevis.
Did you know there’s a place called Saint Kitts and Nevis? Until this very moment, I had never heard of Saint Kitts and Nevis. And even after I Googled it, I thought Wikipedia was playing a trick on me.
However, I have since learned that Saint Kitts and Nevis is a two-island nation in the West Indies. There are approximately 51,300 people who live there, called Kittitians. So I’ve only got, what, 51,277 more Kittitians to go and I will have conquered Saint Kitts and Nevis.
Now I’ve got a goal.
So if you happen to live on Saint Kitts and Nevis, would you mind sharing the address for my blog? I’d like to conquer your country. Thank you very much.
The capital city of Saint Kitts and Nevis is Basseterre. The best I can figure, based on my exactly zero years of studying French, that means “hound dog of the earth.” I might be wrong. Probably not.
I did a very quick read of Wikipedia and learned that Saint Kitts and Nevis is an “Independent commonwealth realm with Queen Elizabeth II as its head of state.” We all know the queen has no real power, so I’d like to submit to the people of Saint Kitts and Nevis that you consider choosing me as your next head of state. Just putting it out there.
The primary source of income on the island nation that I hope to be queen of is tourism. Followed by agriculture and off-shore banking. When I become queen, if you have some money you need to hide, just let me know and I’ll see what I can do.
2. I have one faithful reader in Canada that checks out my blog every day. To you I say, “Thank you, eh?” Did I use that right?
I will likely never hear from my Canadian friend nor my Kittitian friends again.
3. One of the cool things about having a blog is that you can see the search terms people have used that have brought them to your blog. I’m going to share some of them with you and see if I can answer the questions that were asked by some of them.
a. “I hate the Pioneer Woman.” Don’t we all? Isn’t that kind of the reason you’re here?
b. “I hate Angelina Jolie.” Don’t we all? Isn’t that kind of the reason you’re here? [It concerns me just a little that people frequently get to my blog by typing in “I hate (insert name here).” I might need to work on being nicer. I probably won’t.]
c. “e hotmilfs.” To you I apologize that you were looking for hotmilfs and you wound up here. You were likely very surprised to find no hotmilfs. I’m totally a hotmilf, but you’ll just have to take my word for it.
d. “My smoke detector was chirping this morning then stopped…why?” Did you check the batteries, you idiot?
e. “toddler diarrhea smells like ammonia.” I’m no doctor, but this sounds like a dietary issue. Maybe ask your child if he’s been drinking out of the toilet.
f. “melatonin making toddler disobedient.” It’s not the melatonin. Your child, like mine, is just evil.
g. “The Pioneer Woman makes me feel inadequate.” This is one of the reasons we hate her. See this post if you need to know the other reasons we hate her.
h. “phlegm gross.” Yes, it is gross. I really don’t know why you Googled that. Seems pretty obvious.
i. “I hate homeschooling my kids.” As you should. Your children are meant to leave the house and go to school in a building that you are not in. It’s what keeps you from cooking your children in the microwave.
j. “dragonvale not connecting.” Well, when you get your connection to work, let me know. I’ve got a gem tree I can sell you.
k. “supervillain primary debate 2012.” I am non-political, so I have no idea why you ended up on my site. However, if you have voting rights on the island nation of Saint Kitts and Nevis, I’d like to ask for your vote the next time they vote for a queen.
l. “How long are boxtops good for?” Every boxtop has an expiration date clearly printed on it in a font that is nearly invisible to the naked eye. You’ll need a magnifying glass.
m. “dirty tater tots.” This kind of sounds like a food storage problem. Maybe buy some Tupperware.
n. “Can you get rabies from dust?” Yes, you can.
And finally . . .
o. “How does DJ Lance hide his junk?” Duct tape.
Now, a couple of you ended up here by searching some horribly vile and pornographic terms that I will not retype because my niece reads this blog sometimes and I don’t want her to be traumatized, but for the love of God, I suggest you repent and pray that your wife never pulls up your search history.