Kinky Sex — Yes, I’m Actually Trying to Get Porn Spam Now

Disclaimer:  This post is rated R.  It discusses topics of a sexual nature.  And kinky ones at that.  It really has nothing to do with children.

Stacey, do not let your daughter read this.

And Dad, for the love of all that is holy, do not read this post!  I would like to be able to look you in the eye the next time I see you.

So last night I was reading the news on my Nook and came across this article about a book that is being touted as “Mommy Porn.”  Apparently all the women in the world are reading this book and loving it.

It’s by a woman named E.L. James and it’s called 50 Shades of Grey.  I’m sure you’ve heard of it, you big giant porn lover, you!

It was written as fanfic for the Twilight series of books.  This alone should have told me that it sucks.

I  have never read a Twilight book, so I guess I really shouldn’t judge.

However, about two years ago I had the distinct displeasure of watching one of the movies with my then 14-year-old niece.  I have no idea which of the movies it was, but I’ll describe it and maybe you can tell me which movie it was.  I’ll sum it up.

Sparkly Vampire:  I want you, but we can never be together because I’m afraid that I’m going to suck all of the blood out of your body if I get too close to you.  [Sparkle.  Twinkle.]

Girl:  It’s okay.  You can totally suck all the blood out of my body.  I promise I don’t mind.

Werewolf:  [To Girl] Why are you willing to let him suck all of the blood out of your body?  [To Sparkly Vampire]  If you really loved her, you wouldn’t want to suck all of the blood out of her body.  [To Girl]  I don’t want to suck all of the blood out of your body.  I just want to turn you into a violent, hairy beast.

I might have that a little bit wrong.  I wasn’t paying very close attention.

That conversation goes on for about 16 hours.  As far as I could tell, there was no actual activity in this movie.  It was just a lot of sparkly people and hairy people talking about whether or not the non-sparkly, non-hairy girl should be changed into a sparkler.

If I had had a sparkler at the time, I would have stuck it in my ear and blew my head clean off my shoulders.

My niece loved this movie.  She asked me if I loved it and I said, “Yes, especially the part where it’s over.”

As I was saying, this new book 50 Shades of Grey was originally fanfic of the Twilight series.  Honestly, I don’t know what that means.  I’ve never read fanfic.  I think it means you take the characters that someone else created and insert them into a new story, but I’m really guessing and don’t care enough to Google it.

So as I was reading the reviews on this new book which promised lots of BDSM sex, I thought to myself, “Sure, I’ll download a sample onto my Nook and see what all the orgasmic hoopla is about.”

It was 92 freaking pages of this:

Him:  You’re all mine.

Her:  Yes, I’m all yours.

Him:  I said you’re mine.

Her:  Yes, I’m all yours.

Him:  My loins are quivering.

Her:  Can’t you see my breasts heaving?  Now tie me up, you crazy bastard.

I’m paraphrasing.

These women all over the world who love this book so much that they are quivering and heaving are apparently way less critical than I am, because 92 pages in I was hoping that a werewolf would show up and maul these two characters to bloody corpses.

I quickly decided that I’d rather read a history of the Dewey Decimal System than pay for and read the rest of this book.

Now, I’m not at all judging you if you love this book.  (I’m judging you a little bit.)

And I’m not judging you if you’re in to BDSM.  In fact, someone I know very well (not me) is in to BDSM and she told me that she was the domme and she sat on the couch and watched T.V. while her sub cleaned her entire house from top to bottom while he was stark naked.

First of all, look at me throwing all those BDSM terms around like a total badass.  I probably have them all wrong.  You can Google it if you want but I assure you that you will start getting some really freaky spam.

Secondly, I’d seriously be willing to give BDSM a try if it meant I could get my house cleaned.

And lastly, if you want to give BDSM a try, I highly recommend you do it before you have kids because there is no mood killer quite like changing dirty diapers, screaming like a lunatic and looking like you haven’t showered in days.  Especially when you haven’t showered in days.

Plus, there are not enough words in the English language to sufficiently explain to your children why their daddy is cleaning the house naked.

Note to Virginia Slims Man:  If you can get rid of the kids for a day, I’d be willing to let you clean the house naked while I watch the Food Network.  I might even shower.

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12 thoughts on “Kinky Sex — Yes, I’m Actually Trying to Get Porn Spam Now

  1. Yeah, I guess I don’t really see a downside to having your house cleaned, naked man or not. I think your friend isn’t really into the BDSM so much as she is into the clean house. Smart lady to make her sub think that he might get some action because he is naked. And doing chores. By the way, if you used the terms incorrectly, then so did I.

      • I suppose a good trashy novel would do that. I just couldn’t get past how horribly repetitive it was. The dialogue was horrible. Or maybe the dialogue was good and VSM and I just haven’t been doing it right.

  2. Your movie summation doesn’t narrow it down, as sadly that took place in every single one of the 4 movies. I read the books, and you are not alone in wishing for the werewolf, godzilla, or the Loch Ness Monster to show up and tear everyone (especially Bella) to bits.

  3. I don’t know what any of these terms mean, and I am 40 years old. I’m kind of feeling like I’m missing out on something if this will get you a clean house.

    I have, however, read all of the Twilight books and let me say, that was a lot of wasted time that I’ll never get back. To think, I could have been learning how to get a man to clean my house top to bottom. I don’t even really care about the naked part. That could be his choice.

  4. Fanfic is… a little freaky. But keeps people entertained, so good on ’em. I refuse to take in any more Twilight than I already have (read the first book) and by what I can’t help absorbing through popular culture. I have seen several excepts of 50 Shades of Gray, and it’s badly written erotica. If it makes you giggle instead of turns you on, someone’s doing it wrong.

    • Ditto on 50 Shades. I am possibly more open-minded than the targeted audience, but it was poorly written by someone whom I got the distinct impression had never actually done any it. It was sooooo soft-core that I was quite bored by it. I didn’t find it erotic in the least 😦

  5. I personally have enjoyed both fanfictin and erotica and erotic fanfiction. However, I just cannot get Fifty Shades. I don’t get it. I think it’s terribly written. I’ve read excerpts and I’m just like… whut. I am not the best writer, but as much as I support sexual revolution, healthy and adventurous sexual relationships, and all the rest (I even sell bedroom products – and know a fair bit about them and about sexual health), I feel like unless it’s supposed to be funny or can be read in jest (like crappy romance novels that are super fun), I’m kind of on the “eh” side.

    If you like kind of crappy romance novels/genre romance and are of the geeky persuasion, check out Feciila Day’s Vaginal Fantasy hangouts. Hilarious!

  6. Fifty Shades is to BDSM as “See Spot Run” is to ________________ (fill in any favorite well-written, classic novel here).

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