I’d like to offer you my sincerest apology for the bizarreness of this post. It’s not just random, but weird.
I’ve been home with the kids all week because Spring Break lasts forever, so I’m no longer thinking clearly. I’m going to share with you some of the random crap that’s bouncing around inside my head so that now it can bounce around inside your head.
Why should I be the only crazy one?
1. Conversation with The Good One:
Me: [Looking at the light bulb in his reading lamp.] What is all this blue stuff on your light bulb?
TGO: It’s goo.
Me: It’s goo? What is it doing on your light bulb?
TGO: I wanted to see what would happen if I put the goo on the light bulb.
Me: And what did you think would happen?
TGO: I thought it would probably melt.
Me: And what happened?
TGO: It melted.
Me: Quit putting crap on light bulbs.
2. I don’t allow Virginia Slims Man to spray chemicals on our grass, so he hired an organic lawn service to fertilize it. This is the conversation I had with the yard guy.
Yard Guy: So I’m going to spray a mixture of hemostatifractilactic acid, fish emulsion and blackstrap molasses on your grass.
Me: So you’re telling me I’m paying you to mix your garbage with molasses and spray it on my lawn?
Yard Guy: Yeah, pretty much.
Me: Okay. Just checking.
Our yard, as you can imagine, looks like crap.
3. I ate every piece of The Good One’s Fruit Stripe gum because I’m a sucky mom and I do things like that. I tried to explain to him that I wouldn’t have had to eat all of it if the flavor lasted more than 8 seconds. So basically I blamed the gum for my gluttony and thievery.
I’m pretty sure I just taught my kid how to blame other things when he steals.
Best. Mom. Ever.
4. In stark contrast to the head-spinning demon woman I am in my everyday life, politically I’m a very passive person. You might be inclined to say that I’m lazy and I don’t care about the issues. And I’d be inclined to say that you’re right.
But once, in a moment of weakness, I registered at Change.org for some cause that I now care very little about. And because of that I constantly receive requests to sign petitions to save the wingless dung beetle and stop the senseless milking of the cows and stop the use of BPA on the inside of glue containers.
I very much regret registering at Change.org.
5. Just in case any of you are worried about my allergies, you’ll be pleased to know that my left eye has been crusted shut with pus every morning for the last week. I think maybe I scratched my retina or cornea and now my cranial fluid is seeping out of my eye.
My crusty eye brings back memories of when I was a child and my nickname was Pus Eye. I’d get up in the morning, walk to the kitchen for breakfast and be greeted with a cheerful “Good morning, Pus Eye.”
Sadly, I’m not kidding.
My best friend’s nickname was Fluffy and I was always a little jealous of that. Of course, now I think Fluffy sounds like a stripper name. Her sister’s nickname was Kitten, which could also be a stripper name. I would not want to go to a strip club that had a dancer named Pus Eye.
And in case you’re wondering, having red, swollen eyes that are filled with yellow gunk will kill the mood pretty quickly.
Maybe VSM and I will role-play tonight and I’ll be a pirate.
Or a patch-wearing prison inmate who lost an eye when I got shanked in a riot.
Or maybe I’ll just be a stripper named Pus Eye.