Sleep Differences, or Why I’m Probably Going to Kill Virginia Slims Man.

I think I’m probably going to have to kill my husband. (You should already know that from the title of this post.  If you didn’t figure that out from the title, you need to go read something else because I’m going to use big words today and you might not be able to keep up.)

(God, I apologize for the bitch-factor. One paragraph in and I’m already being insulting. It’s really just due to exhaustion and I’m unable to control it.)

Back to Ginny Slims…I’m either going to kill him or make him sleep in another bedroom, because our sleep habits have become completely polar-ly diametrically totally absolutely opposite and it’s making me a raging psychotic bitch.

Right now my husband is reading this and thinking, “You were already a raging psychotic bitch,” which is true, only now I’m ragier and pscyhotic-ier.

VSM and I used to be pretty in sync when it came to sleeping.  But as we get older and his sleep habits become more stupid, I’m having a harder and harder time dealing with it and I dream of driving a stake through his heart.

Is that awful?  Normal?

In ages past, we would actually go to bed at the same time.  He’d watch T.V. for a bit while I read, then the sleep timer would turn the T.V. off and we’d both go to sleep.  Normal.

More recently, I started to go to bed a little bit before him to read, then he’d come to bed right about the time I’d be about to go to sleep.  He’d turn on the T.V. and set the sleep timer for 30 minutes, but because he’s a raging narcoleptic, he’d fall asleep in 27 seconds, so I’d have to search the bed for the remote or listen to and be annoyed by the glow of the T.V. for the next 29 minutes and 33 seconds.  The sound of the T.V. was usually accompanied by the sound of his snoring.  And on those nights that I’d reach for the remote, he’d wake up and say, “I’m watching that.”  And I’d say, “Unless you snore when you’re awake and have evolved into a being with see-through eyelids, you are not watching that.  You’re sleeping.”

This change bothered me to a degree, but we still managed to sleep together without me dreaming of ending his life.

But last night VSM switched to a whole new M.O. and this is why I think his end is drawing nigh.  [Doesn’t sound so bad when I put it in Bible terms.  I think that’s Bible terms.  Might be Shakespeare.  Or maybe it’s Twilight.  I don’t know.]

After we put the kids to bed at about 8:15, we sat on the couch to watch T.V.  At approximately 8:30 p.m. VSM was asleep and snoring.  I decided that I’d rather leave the room than listen to him snore, so I went to the bedroom to read.

At about 10:00 I decided to go to sleep.  At about midnight, VSM woke from his narcoleptic slumber and came to bed.  Now, it would seem logical to me that since he left the living room where he was sleeping on the couch and walked to the bedroom, that his intent would be to go to sleep in the bed.

But that is not how it works.  He is incapable of falling asleep without the T.V., so at midnight, apparently rejuvenated by his 3-hour nap, he turned on the T.V. and began watching a show that I can only assume was actually seeking to induce photosensitive epilepsy because our bedroom lit up with flashing blue lights and I felt like I had just woken up in a disco in Hell.

So since my husband decided to wake me up with convulsive T.V., I had to go to the bathroom, because regardless of the amount of urine in my bladder, if I’m awakened in the middle of the night I have to pee or I won’t be able to go back to sleep.  This is one of the great mysteries of aging.  This and why the hair on my face grows at a rate that is visible to the naked eye but the hair on my head falls out in clumps.

As I was walking to the bathroom, I believe the words “What fresh hell is this?” and “dumbass” and “kill you” might have escaped my lips.  I think VSM could sense that I was upset, so he turned the channel (did not turn the T.V. off), but I was already awake and angry and couldn’t fall back to sleep.

So this morning I informed VSM that if he can’t figure out a way to fall asleep without the T.V., he’s moving to the other bedroom or I’m shanking him.  And “shanking” is not a euphemism for bow-chicka-bow-wow.  I’m actually going to forge a knife out of some blunt object and drive it through his body.

And all the women who agreed said, “Hell, yeah!”


18 thoughts on “Sleep Differences, or Why I’m Probably Going to Kill Virginia Slims Man.

  1. Hell yeah. This is one of the reasons we don’t have a TV in the bedroom. If David came in and woke me up after I had fallen asleep it would take everything in my power not to kill him. And we keep guns in the house. It would be easy. I wouldn’t even have to craft a weapon.

  2. Hell yeah! We’ve gotten into a bad habit of falling asleep on the couch lately, so he wakes me up at about 3AM to come to bed. Except A) that wakes the baby up, who then wants to have her face surgically grafted to my boob, and B) once the baby finally falls asleep again, I have his snoring to contend with, which hits roughly the same decibel level as 1,000 jumbo jets taking off and then crashing simultaneously into the tarmac. Then when the baby wakes up at 5:30, guess who gets up (hint: not him). So yeah, something’s gotta give, or I’m gonna shank the hell out of him (the stabby kind).

    • You are forgiven for two reasons. 1. I am also crazy. In a slightly different way than you, but crazy nonetheless and I feel we nutjobs need to stick together. (I also have weird boob pain.) And 2, Boyfriend is still Boyfriend and not Husband. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but bedtime changes drastically after 18 years of marriage. There will come a day, if Boyfriend becomes Husband, that you will want to shank him.

    • Dad, earplugs do not stop the blinding, flashing light from the T.V. and I can’t sleep in a sleep mask because I worry that it’ll slip down and strangle me in my sleep.

  3. Hell yeah. Husband actually has slept in another room for over a year now for almost exactly this reason. However, he actually snores loud enough that he wakes me up from there. So that I can listen to the tv show he is sleeping through. I actually want to sleep in between getting up to take the 5 year old potty and dealing with the nightmares of 2 year old who then deams it necessary to “sleep” (read: kick me in the face repeatedly) with me for the rest of the night. You add that our third is due in June and we will breastfeed roughly every 30 seconds around the clock for 4 months and I should sleep….when they go to college. And he visits them there.

  4. My dear hubby (I shall nickname him Captain Cheez It, as there are always at least 2 boxes of crackers on the floor next to the bed) has this problem, too. I don’t mind falling asleep with the TV and the snoring because I’m used to it now. And he usually responds to being kicked in the side.

    Unfortunately, Captain Cheez It wakes up between 4 and 5 AM for work everyday. There was a period of about a week where he’d wake up and jump in the shower, and because he still had time before he had to leave, he would then turn on the bedroom light. And the TV. And pull out his laptop. And play games on his iPod Touch. Seriously.

    One day, I explained that I can’t sleep with all that sound and light and if he didn’t knock it off, I’d punch him in the throat. Problem solved.

  5. Hell. Yeah. In my eyes, temporary insanity due to lack of sleep caused by other person should most definitely be a defense allowed in court. And if a jury of my peers consists of other sleep deprived women, I will get off without even a slap on the wrist.

  6. Hell Yeah! Here’s one. My husband will turn on the TV in the livingroom and fall asleep, quickly – this might be as early as 830. Then I go to our room when I am done watching TV read and fall asleep. At 3am my husband will wake up and come to bed – but he’s slept for 7 or so hours and is ready to…um…get amorous. Like you, once I am awake I have to pee. But if I get up to pee he will think I am “awake” too and that our desires should be similar. So now I am in a quandary. Do I get up and pee, or stay awake and perfectly still in my bed. Or maybe I should just put out and get it over with so I can go back to sleep…

    • You win! And I have to admit I’ve faked the asleep think in the middle of the night, too. What are they thinking?

  7. LMAO….and HELL YEAH. Not only do I get the bedroom tv, but the computer next to the bed while he sometimes kills dragons in the virtual forest until the butt-crack of dawn. Once in a while, I get the living room TV left on too.

    My alarm goes off for work at 4am. Once I said to him, “DO YOU KNOW ANYONE WHO GETS LESS SLEEP THAN I DO???? ANSWER ME!!!!!”

    Then I realized how crazy I sounded. So I turned on all the lights in the room, and turned up the tv loudly…and left for work. 🙂 He said, “You are doing that on PURPOSE!”

    ya think?

  8. Wow! That is incredibly rude. Manfriend snores like Darth Vader and it is annoying as can be, but I insist on sleeping with my chihuahua who likes to get up to play in the middle of the night which prohibits him from reaching his full REM, in turn, lessening the snoring. I will think about having her sleep elsewhere when he stops snoring. If I can’t get a good night sleep because of the snoring, then my chihuahua is going to wake him up every hour on the hour with a squeek toy. Bam.

  9. This is one of the MANY reasons I don’t keep a TV in the bedroom. We keep our iPad by the bed which is the only major distraction – TGW will pick it up and read or watch shows super late at night, and I get quite frustrated. More often than not it’s just that he doesn’t get INTO bed, he just stays up forever either doing homework or tooling around online, which is more stressful.

    When he does snore (which is rare), he says I typically just shove and punch him in my sleep. I’m apparently a sleep-spousal-abuser. It’s terrible.

    Maybe try taking the TV out of the bedroom or making him use subtitles with the brightness turned down?

  10. I only have about 16 years, but:
    1) He sleeps in the other bedroom (computer room) if he wants to play games or watch TV.
    2) If we watch TV in the main bedroom together, when we decide (I decide? usually dictated by my needing to get up earlier for work) to go to sleep, he either goes to sleep as well or see #1.
    3) Sometimes there is iPading in bed, but for shows, he wears headphones, and the light isn’t too bad.

    Lack of sleep will cause any of us to shank our beloveds, you’re not alone. If I was randomrhetoric I would choke a bitch. Keep me up all night and then go to sleep when I have to get up? Homey don’t play that.

    One of my friends went a little crazy once. When her (at the time) unemployed beloved, who liked to stay up all night and sleep all day while she was at work, went to have some quality time with the potty and the morning paper, she hid the mattresses, sheets, covers, sofa cushions, basically everything soft and cushy in the house. When he emerged from the potty, there was nothing comfy to lie upon. It was an effective hint.

  11. My lover works the overnight shift, so our sleep schedules are jacked up always. The most obnoxious thing is when he agrees to watch a movie at, say, 9:00 p.m. But he falls asleep by 9:02, then is super-adament that he WASN’T sleeping (“I was just resting”) when I repeatedly wake him up. Then, when the movie is over and I want to sleep in the same bed as him for the one and only night we can, he’s all, “I’m not tired yet. I’m going to watch tv and play on the computer and make a 7-course meal while you sleep alone. Then I’ll fall asleep on the couch until you wake up at 6:30 a.m. with the kids and I’ll tell you I am so exhausted from being up all night (I have actually set my alarm periodically throughout the night to go spy on him and PROVE that he did, in fact, sleep!), so I need to get some sleep now. You slept all night. I deserve to sleep, too.” It drives me BONKERS, I tell you!

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