I like to believe that when I disappear for a while, you wait anxiously by your computer, checking my blog multiple times per minute for an update. A morsel. A tidbit. A tiny dingleberry of wisdom.
That’s what I feel like I’m offering. Dingleberries.
Right now my mom is Googling “dingleberry.”
Speaking of my mom, she left Monday after a month-long visit. You may be saying to yourself, “How the hell did she have her mom in her house for a month and not kill her?”
Let me tell you how.
I drank. A lot.
I drank moderately to heavily.
I was high the entire time.
I could go on all day.
Really, having my mom in my house for a month was a blessing. She was incredibly helpful with my house, my laundry and with both boys. In fact, her visit gave me a whole new respect for her and for how much she was able to accomplish during the day when I was a kid. She also made me realize how utterly craptastic I am as a housekeeper. It turns out that my inability to keep a clean house has less to do with a lack of time and more to do with an abundance of laziness.
I have a lady that cleans my house every other week. I could pretend that it’s because I’m insanely wealthy and don’t have time to do menial labor such as cleaning when my time could be better spent wearing fluffy high-heeled slippers and eating Bon-Bons.
But the truth is that I am middle class with impeccably horrible cleaning skills and if I didn’t scrounge together enough money to pay someone to clean my house, my children would be taken from me due to deplorable living conditions.
You know how you drive by those yards and there will be a moldy birdbath, a car on blocks, a broken refrigerator and random other crap strewn about the yard? And you wonder to yourself, How on earth do they live there and look at that crap all day? And then you realize that after a period of time, they don’t even see the crap anymore. They just get so used to looking at it that it no longer bothers them.
Well, that’s how my house is. I am the keeper of all of the crap. I have stacks of photos I’ll never organize and when I’m dead from whatever disease I’m sure is ravaging my body at the moment, my children will find thousands of photos that they will promptly throw away.
And I have stacks of coupons that expired in 2011.
I have no idea why I cut coupons. I see those women at Target who have 3-ring binders with coupons organized in business card holders, and when they check out with 15 bags of items, they owe Target $2.50.
I show up to Target and purchase 15 bags of things and whip out one coupon for a dollar off of toilet paper, only I won’t have grabbed the right kind of toilet paper so my coupon is worthless. Or I bring all of my coupons, get all the proper items and then forget to give the coupons to the cashier.
My mom, however, is my polar opposite. She loves order and cleanliness. When we were kids, she vacuumed twice a day. (Still does.) The house was always spotless when my dad got home from work. To this day, she cannot stand disorder and chaos.
I do not know how she survived in my house for a month.
She was likely high the entire time.
I’m pretty sure she was horrified by my complete lack of housekeeping effort.
She would make statements like, “This afternoon we’re going to dust and vacuum.” Then I’d say something like, “Why? Kathy comes in four days, and the house was dusted and vacuumed ten days ago.”
Then she’d mutter something along the lines of, “Dear God, how on earth did I produce this child?”
Her visit made me realize how, even though I’m nearly 40, I still see her as my boss. During her visit, if she told me to clean up the house, I’d complain and protest for a while, and then I’d clean it. When she said that I needed to put away laundry, I put it away. It was like I was still 13 years old.
And just like when I was 13, my hair and clothes still drive her nuts. Mostly because I never do my hair and I wear my jeans four sizes too big because I cannot stand anything touching my waist.
Anyway, Mom was here and now I’m in a funk because I hate living so far from my family, so that’s why I haven’t posted and that’s why this post sucks.
Aren’t you so glad that you just wasted four minutes of your life reading this stream of consciousness? I just stole four minutes from your life.
That’s my deep thought for the day.
I promise to get myself together enough to form a coherent post in the near future. But for the time being I’m going to wallow in self-pity for another day or so and drown my sadness in cookies and wine.