Peeing, life’s most underappreciated bodily function.

You know what I miss?

Not a trick question.  The answer is in the title of the post.

I miss peeing.  More specifically, I miss peeing at a leisurely pace where I kind of just let the pee flow out of me at its own natural rate, rather than the peeing I do now which involves me using every single muscle in my urinary tract to force the pee out of my body in a gushing wave as quickly as possible.

This is not at all where I imagined this post going.  I apologize.  Honestly, it could be worse.

There was a period in the past where peeing was kind of a nice thing to do.  I’d casually look at a magazine, check my phone, hum a tune or maybe even whistle.

I’m kind of showing my dweeb here, aren’t I?  My two closest friends probably don’t whistle while they pee.  My one friend is ultra-cool.  She has cool clothes and listens to cool music by bands I’ve never heard of.  She’d stop hanging out with me if she saw the stuff on my iPod.  You cannot be cool while listening to Hall & Oates and Air Supply.

Shut up.

My other friend is a whack-job like me, but she hides it behind an air of sophistication.  She’s like Audrey Hepburn on the outside and a psych ward patient on the inside.  It’s kind of an awesome combination.

Unlike Audrey Hepburn, I’m not able to successfully mask my crazy so I’m more like a psych ward patient on the inside and Lewis Black on the outside.

Sexy, I know.

As usual, the above 8 paragraphs have nothing to do with this post.

As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, I no longer have the luxury of peeing at my leisure.  I mentioned in the past how my all-too-human need to empty my bladder caused me to have to call Poison Control.  And really, I imagine that this is the same for every mom on the planet.  Casual peeing is really a childless woman’s game.  Now, peeing is only done on an absolutely as-needed basis and it’s usually saved for naptime or bedtime or those instances where you can feel your bladder attempting to leave your body by turning itself inside out so that it can be expelled through your urethra.

(I’m pretty sure my anatomy and physiology is incorrect.  I dropped out of A&P after one week, so I have no idea where your bladder would leave your body if it decided to do so and I do not care enough to Google it.)

This past week I had the joy of peeing in the bathroom at The Beast’s dentist office.

Let me say, you’d be blown away if you saw The Beast in a dental chair.  He’s suddenly the most obedient and well-behaved child on the planet.  He lets the hygienist polish and floss his teeth without complaint.  He lets the dentist poke his mouth with the dental poker.  (I used to work in a dental office.  “Dental poker” is the actual technical term.  Don’t Google it.)

On Wednesday, after paying for The Beast’s cleaning, I had to pee.  Normally I do not pee in public.  Surprisingly, this is not because of a fear of public toilets, although if I did a little research I could probably freak myself out enough never to allow my tush to touch a toilet seat again.

It really just has to do with logistics.  If I’m sitting on the toilet, what will The Beast do?  I can’t very well leave him with a stranger.  If I take him into a bathroom stall with me, he’ll likely crawl on the floor and peek into the stall of the person next to me.

That actually happened to me once.  I was peeing in the bathroom in Target when a little head peeked under the wall between the stalls and greeted me.  And because I’m ridiculously nice, I acted like it was totally okay that this child was watching me pee.  I didn’t scream.  I didn’t say, “Ma’am, your son is freaking me out a little.”  I just pretended like people watch me pee all the time.

Anyway, if I opted to pee in a public bathroom, The Beast would undoubtedly end up on the floor.  I do not think there’s enough disinfectant in the world to get public bathroom germs off of a child.  In fact, there was an episode of CSI where a child died after crawling on a bathroom floor and the medical examiner put “Bathroom Germs” as the cause of death.  (True story.  Don’t Google it.)

However, at the dentist’s office on Wednesday, I really had to go.  I figured that it would be relatively safe.  The bathroom was just like a bathroom that you’d have in your house.  There were no stalls that would invite a crawling expedition, so I felt like I could safely take him in with me.

So we went into the bathroom and I started to pee.  The Beast decided he’d like to climb up onto the sink. We had a brief argument about not climbing onto fixtures.  He decided that if he wasn’t going to be permitted to climb on the sink, then he was quite done with this bathroom, so he walked to the door and started to unlock it.

As it turns out, I was in the “gush” phase of the pee.  Being nearly 40, my ability to stop my urine flow isn’t quite as exact as it used to be.  But if I didn’t remove my body from the toilet and stop The Beast from leaving the room, he was going to open the door and expose me to the entire dental office.

So I made a very quick choice to dive off of the toilet and physically stop him from unlocking the door.  And in the process, I peed all over the dentist’s bathroom floor.

(Virginia Slims Man is going to have a hard time keeping his hands off of me after reading this post.)

I yelled at The Beast that he was not permitted to unlock the door, and then I cleaned up my pee.

Audrey Hepburn would never pee on the floor.

So, I’ve reached the point in my post where I try to come up with a moral to my story.  A nugget of wisdom.  A dingleberry of truth.

There’s the obvious: Don’t take for granted the ability to peacefully enjoy your bodily functions.

But maybe slightly less obvious: If you gush before you flush, don’t be a boar; wipe up the floor.

P.S.  I’m writing a book of poetry.  I’m pretty sure, based on the above sample, that it’s going to rock.

Like Air Supply.

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22 thoughts on “Peeing, life’s most underappreciated bodily function.

  1. My problem is not having to pee fast but getting to pee alone. I NEVER pee alone. I only have 2 children and at least one of them is always in there with me. If for some strange reason a child is not in there with me, a dog or cat is with me.

    • Yes, that is the other issue with peeing. Someday, in the far-away future, we’ll be able to pee slowly and alone.

  2. Because I’m a guy, I immediately start thinking of ways to solve the problem (as opposed to sympathizing). So I’m seeing a car seat, adapted for a couch or easy chair, but with extra straps and buckles. (Or duct tape.) By the time The Beast can undo all the straps and/or duct tape and sprint for the front door or the kitchen knives, you should be able to have a pee in peace.

  3. I miss peeing too! Especially uninterupted, with the door closed! I also miss showering. A nice leisure shower uninterrupted, with the door closed, actually getting myself clean! Instead, for me, it’s the baby in his seat on the otherside of the curtain. I pray he doesn’t start screaming as I rush. Soap, rinse, get out, shit I forgot my hair, well, MAYBE tomorrow I’ll get to rush through another one, is my routine……I hope you’ll take some comfort in knowing you’re NOT the only mom that has “things I miss”…….. Thanks for reminding me I’m not either : )

    • Yes, I only shower when The Beast is asleep. I don’t even want to think of what sort of mayhem he’d create if I showered while he was awake!

  4. I like Bluzdude’s ingenuity and creativeness. Being simple-minded, I thought about suggesting a playpen but they are probably obsolete plus the Beast is akin to “MacGyver” and would scale the walls with ease. Mom would not have survived with 5 toddlers and no playpen. How about a Velcro vest that you put on the Beast and a companion pad that adheres to a wall. You stick the Beast on the wall while you pee and tell him he is Spiderman.

    • I LOVED my playpen! It stayed set up in the corner of our family room for years. That is the only way I could unload the groceries and take showers when mine were little! So no…. they are not obsolete!

      • Glad to hear that playpens are still in service. I thought they became taboo because some psychologist decided it was inhumane or damaging to the child’s psyche to put them in a confined space.

    • Dad, The Beast scaled the playpen well over a year ago. However, I like the Velcro vest idea. Can you imagine him hanging on a bathroom wall, pretending to be Spiderman?

      • Try turning the playpen upside down.

        Wait, he’d probably just figure out to lift it up and wiggle out. Maybe if you could screw down the edges into the floor…

        Eh, just go with the velcro option. And you could move the “companion wall pad” around as needed. Could also double as a “time-out” mechanism if you moved it to a corner.

  5. This was hilarious! I must say I may have been in a little bit of a similar situation – AT THE DENTIST’S even! I don’t think I thought my experience was quite as hilarious as I thought yours was. Hm.

      • Yes – I’ve peed on the floor, but under different circumstances. 25 years ago, at a local bar, in a loooooooong (one toilet at the end of it) bathroom. The door didn’t lock but patrons were usually very kind and considerately did not enter if the door was closed – and would knock to let you know they were waiting. Unfortunately for me, one very inebriated, not-nice gal decided it would be funny to open the door all the way while I was mid-stream. The entire bar – or so it seemed – was laughing and pointing at me as I lunged for the door. I never wanted to leave that bathroom after I got everything cleaned up. Not surprisingly, it’s gone down as one of my life’s most embarrassing moments.

  6. I like your Dad’s idea – hysterical. I really feel for you. I was in my 20’s and peeing in the very lonnnnnng one-toilet, no stall restroom at a pool bar when someone thought it would be funny to open the door (it never locked properly). Many, many patrons looked in at me, laughing hysterically while I finished up, wiped, pulled up trou, etc. One of the MOST embarrassing moments of my life. I don’t blame you a bit for flying for the door mid-stream. Now, how about this idea? That harness you mentioned a few posts back. Keep it in your purse for just this type of situation. 🙂

    • Okay, reading this makes me feel embarrassed for you. Just know that if I were in that bar, I would not have laughed at you because I know that Karma is a bitch. I probably would have chuckled to myself later on that night on the ride home, but I absolutely would not have laughed at you to your face.

  7. Wow, this brings back memories. I have teens now, and we have….different….problems. But I can pee. I recall bringing a toddler to Asia where they have squat toilets filled with poo that lurks over the top of the squat hole. That was really bad. Of course with travel, parent #2 is there as well, which helps. My solution for myself was a “plastic penis” which is a small plastic thingy that you press against yourself as you can pee like a man. It works, and you don’t have to take down your clothes, just unzip. Anyway, just be grateful you are not doing driver’s ed.

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