Disclaimer: Summer makes me more violent than normal. This post isn’t the sweet, kind, joyful post you’ve come to expect from me. This is more of a flaming tongue and spitting nails post.
We’re four weeks into summer break, and all of this quantity time with my kids is going to kill me.
You know those blogs you read where the moms are posting daily pictures of all the fun things they did with their kids that day? They’ll have pictures of the crafts they’ve made and the picnics they’ve had, and they’ll tell cute stories about how much they love love love having all of this super-duper-pooper-scooper awesome time with their kids.
Yeah, well, this isn’t one of those blogs. I love my kids, and sometimes I even enjoy spending time with them, but we are spending so much time together that we’re starting to want to hurt each other.
First of all, it’s 100 degrees outside, so outside time is something that is only enjoyed at night. Instead of being outside and letting the kids burn off steam, we’re huddled inside the house, curtains drawn, sitting in the dark because there’s a chance we will ignite into flames from the stupid stupid stupid heat if we go outdoors.
I’ve contemplated putting my dog outside to see if she catches fire. She’d be like the birds they used to send into coal mines to check for gas. If she catches fire, we’ll know to stay inside. If she doesn’t catch fire, I’ll leave her out there until she does.
Both of my kids are home all day long, and since it’s frowned upon to leave them home alone at the ages of 9 and 3, I have to be here with them. We try to go out to the store on occasion, but that always ends in mayhem. Today’s excursion to Target ended when The Beast broke out of The Good One’s grasp and went running through the aisles. The Good One went chasing after him, and then I went chasing after both of them.
In an effort to keep them from watching TV all day, I had the genius idea to do crafts with them. If you knew me, you’d know just how ridiculously hilarious that is. Courtesy of Pinterest, whose evilness has already been discussed, I found a super easy craft where you put little plastic beads in a pan, bake it for 20 minutes, let it cool and pop it out of the pan and you’ll have this cool looking sun catcher to hang outside. Sounds simple. I have plastic beads. The sun is relentless, so why not catch it and concentrate it into a small area so that we can attempt to catch the curtains on fire through the window. Sure, we can totally do this.
This craft required that The Beast be permitted to touch hundreds and hundreds of beads. Needless to say, I spent a good portion of the morning sweeping up beads and sighing in frustration because The Beast threw beads right after I told him not to throw beads.
Which reminds me, you know what’s super fun? Spending 95% of your day issuing commands that have absolutely no chance of being followed. Seriously, you should totally try this.
After cleaning up the bead mess, we popped the pans into the oven and waited excitedly to see our beautiful sun-catching creations. I’m pretty sure I shortened all of our lives by at least a few years because of the noxious odor of melting plastic that engulfed our house. So then we had to open the windows to let the toxic fumes out, and in the process we let in the fetid stink of summer heat.
So I’m mostly brilliant.
After 20 minutes spent getting high off of plastic, we took our creations out of the oven and let them cool. Guess what? They don’t so much pop out of the pans as the pinner on Pinterest promised. What they actually do is grab hold of the surface of your cake pan and form what I would describe as an indestructible, impenetrable barrier that could be used as a bullet-proof shield on armored cars.
So now I have two ruined cake pans and two kids who are disappointed because their sun catchers are permanently sealed to the bottom of a pan. I’m half tempted to poke a hole in the cake pans and just hang the damn things from my porch.
And this is the problem with summer crafts. Even if you’re able to successfully complete a stupid pin you saw on Pinterest, the most you can hope to get out of any craft is an hour. You cannot place beads in a pan for more than an hour. You can’t run through the sprinklers for more than an hour. And you can’t paint the sidewalk for more than a minute without the risk of becoming flammable and starting a suburban forest fire.
That leaves me with approximately 12 to 15 hours of quantity time to fill each day. No human being is capable of this task.
So with 8 weeks left in summer break, The Beast is becoming incredibly belligerent because he can’t play outside. This translates into hour-long naptime battles every day. The Good One is bored reckless and is now picking fights with his brother for fun. And my summertime stress is exhibiting itself by periods of binge eating combined with just a soupçon of alcoholism.
And this is why summer sucks when you live in Texas.
Amen and the end.