Birthday party crap. WTH?!

Okay, this is not even close to being a blog post.  This is a post-ette.  Really, it’s nothing more than a tweet, but I still hate Twitter even though I’ve been on it for months.  And since most of you aren’t my facebook friends, I’m forced to actually write a post about this.

In the countless hours I’ve spent researching ideas for The Beast’s Toy Story party, I have come to the conclusion that the majority of the birthday-party-throwing population is flipping insane.

For the love of Peter, Paul & Mary, a small nation could be fed on what some of these parents are spending on their children’s parties.  It is excess at its finest.  It is the reason foreign nations hate our country so much.  Well, birthday party excess and the Kardashians.

I found this web site that is basically a virtual pissing contest for who throws the best party.  You can post pictures of all of the fabulous things you did that make you so much better than everyone else in the world.  Then another person will post their pictures to show that, in fact, they are the better than everyone else in the world.  It goes on for infinity.

I encountered one party that absolutely blew me away.

This poor child was turning 1.  One.  Uno.  Un.  (Is that French? I didn’t take French and have no idea how to say “1” in French.)  His party was being held in what appeared to be the ballroom of a large hotel.  It was decked out in every Toy Story item on the planet.  And some Toy Story items that I think haven’t even been invented yet.

There was a magic show.  Woody and Buzz and other characters walked around and entertained the roughly 90 children.  It was unbelievable.

And there were 250 flipping guests.  250!!!!!  I apologize for the excessive punctuation but there is no way to capitalize numbers.  I guess I could type it out, but I’m cooking dinner and don’t have time for that crap.

I didn’t have 250 guests at my wedding.  I do not actually know 250 people.  If I died tomorrow, you could not beg 250 people to come to my funeral.  (Typing that sentence is causing my dread of irony to flare up.)

250 people is a convention.  It’s a festival.  It is not a party for a one-year-old child.

Want to know the best part?  The birthday boy is in some of the pictures, and he looks utterly befuzzled.  Not a word, but the situation warrants inventing a word to describe the look of terror/confusion on the face of a child who has no idea what the hell is happening.

The parents, on the other hand, look utterly pleased with themselves as they show all 250 of their friends that they are rich enough to spend the equivalent of a college tuition on a one-year-old’s birthday party.

I feel confident that a radical extremist somewhere in the world is Googling “birthday parties in America” and is so horrified by American excess that he is plotting a birthday party massacre.

I really don’t need to worry about that, though, because The Beast’s party is going to suck.  The radical extremist would probably come to my party and feel the need to give me some party-planning tips.

10 thoughts on “Birthday party crap. WTH?!

  1. Thank you!!! I was planning a party for my middle child and felt completely inadequate when I researched ideas. The Beast’s party won’t suck, it will be an awesome party that any non-Kardashian mother would be proud of.

    P.S. I’m glad you’re back.

  2. I heart this. Those kids won’t remember or appreciate all that nonsense. Give a one-year old (or two, maybe even three) a cardboard box and a cupcake and they’ll be happy 🙂 Imagine the standards that kid will have for everything else in his life…his parents better be able to afford a million dollar wedding!

  3. Well I guess they figured that by the time they spent the $4,000 to buy 12 plates, 8 napkins and 16 forks (seriously, why don’t those things ever come packaged in the same quantities???) in the Toy Story theme, they might as well go the whole way and go overboard. I mean, really, have you ever SEEN the price of the themed birthday party items? For the first 4 years I had to buy everything Thomas the Train, now these past 2 years I’m thankful my son wants army/camo theme. I can get away with plain green & brown stuff!!

    And by the way, personally, I see NOTHING wrong with a store bought cake and a few balloons. Store bought cakes are yummy and cute and what kid doesn’t like balloons??? 🙂

  4. If people with that much money didn’t spend it on extravagant birthday parties, they’d just blow it on things like gold-plated swimming pools and solar-powered blenders.

  5. It truly is sickening. I only let it make me feel like less of a mom while I’m planning my own kids’ parties; the rest of the time I’m looking down my nose at the overplanners. What’s up with THAT?

  6. I recently (like 2 weeks ago) threw my 2 year old a Toy Story B-day party. I too was amazed at how much $ and time people are willing to throw at a toddler’s b-day party. We went simple. I had plain tablecloths, plain plates and napkins, my MIL bought Toy story balloons (a pack of 6…I blew 3 up and lost the rest. Oops) and a single Toy-story tablecloth, which I used for the gift table. I decorated with my son’s Toy Story toys. Served pizza and chips. Thought about doing Pin-the-tail on Bullseye (free printable from, but the kids had so much fun playing outside that we did no activities. I made alien cupcakes (Wilton makes candy eyeballs, which saved my butt), but that was the extent of my craftiness. Everyone had a good time, and I didn’t want to die at the end of the party. It can be as complicated as you want it to be. Have fun with it. Good luck!

  7. I am so with you. I keep expectations low. The fanciest party we’ve thrown for one of our children is probably Chuck E. Cheese. It’s not just the expense — it’s the idea behind the party. I want to celebrate my kids on their special days — I don’t want to spend a boatload of money to impress my kids’ friends’ parents. I like pizza, cake & ice cream, or if we’re outsourcing: roller skating is fun, and Chuck E. Cheese is tolerable (no, really, it is). Good luck. The Beast will be happy no matter what you decide, as long as there is cake. It doesn’t even have to be home-baked. 🙂

  8. If they have the money who cares? I know it’s not the PC to say, but, really, what’s the big deal? Its not as if they are taking food away from their child to pay for it. This is a great teaching moment about how families do things differently. And I’m sure they aren’t stilling around talking smack about parties that don’t have pomp and circumstance. People are usually just happy to be included no matter the level of the event. BTW I’m guessing many of you haven’t been to Bar / Bat mitzvahs? I’ve been a few, yes – a few, that totalled well over $100K. I’m not Jewish or live in NYC either. I’m talking small town USA. To each their own. (FWIW my child’s, un-themed, birthday party was in the backyard with family.)

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