Stream of Consciousness about the crappiness of summer.

Disclaimer:  Summer makes me more violent than normal.  This post isn’t the sweet, kind, joyful post you’ve come to expect from me.  This is more of a flaming tongue and spitting nails post. 

We’re four weeks into summer break, and all of this quantity time with my kids is going to kill me.

You know those blogs you read where the moms are posting daily pictures of all the fun things they did with their kids that day?  They’ll have pictures of the crafts they’ve made and the picnics they’ve had, and they’ll tell cute stories about how much they love love love having all of this super-duper-pooper-scooper awesome time with their kids.

Yeah, well, this isn’t one of those blogs. I love my kids, and sometimes I even enjoy spending time with them, but we are spending so much time together that we’re starting to want to hurt each other.

First of all, it’s 100 degrees outside, so outside time is something that is only enjoyed at night.  Instead of being outside and letting the kids burn off steam, we’re huddled inside the house, curtains drawn, sitting in the dark because there’s a chance we will ignite into flames from the stupid stupid stupid heat if we go outdoors.

I’ve contemplated putting my dog outside to see if she catches fire.  She’d be like the birds they used to send into coal mines to check for gas.  If she catches fire, we’ll know to stay inside.  If she doesn’t catch fire, I’ll leave her out there until she does.

I’m kidding.

Kind of.

Both of my kids are home all day long, and since it’s frowned upon to leave them home alone at the ages of 9 and 3, I have to be here with them.  We try to go out to the store on occasion, but that always ends in mayhem. Today’s excursion to Target ended when The Beast broke out of The Good One’s grasp and went running through the aisles.  The Good One went chasing after him, and then I went chasing after both of them.

Good times.

In an effort to keep them from watching TV all day, I had the genius idea to do crafts with them.  If you knew me, you’d know just how ridiculously hilarious that is.  Courtesy of Pinterest, whose evilness has already been discussed, I found a super easy craft where you put little plastic beads in a pan, bake it for 20 minutes, let it cool and pop it out of the pan and you’ll have this cool looking sun catcher to hang outside. Sounds simple.  I have plastic beads. The sun is relentless, so why not catch it and concentrate it into a small area so that we can attempt to catch the curtains on fire through the window.  Sure, we can totally do this.

This craft required that The Beast be permitted to touch hundreds and hundreds of beads.  Needless to say, I spent a good portion of the morning sweeping up beads and sighing in frustration because The Beast threw beads right after I told him not to throw beads.

Which reminds me, you know what’s super fun?  Spending 95% of your day issuing commands that have absolutely no chance of being followed.  Seriously, you should totally try this.

After cleaning up the bead mess, we popped the pans into the oven and waited excitedly to see our beautiful sun-catching creations.  I’m pretty sure I shortened all of our lives by at least a few years because of the noxious odor of melting plastic that engulfed our house.  So then we had to open the windows to let the toxic fumes out, and in the process we let in the fetid stink of summer heat.

So I’m mostly brilliant.

After 20 minutes spent getting high off of plastic, we took our creations out of the oven and let them cool.  Guess what?  They don’t so much pop out of the pans as the pinner on Pinterest promised.  What they actually do is grab hold of the surface of your cake pan and form what I would describe as an indestructible, impenetrable barrier that could be used as a bullet-proof shield on armored cars.

So now I have two ruined cake pans and two kids who are disappointed because their sun catchers are permanently sealed to the bottom of a pan. I’m half tempted to poke a hole in the cake pans and just hang the damn things from my porch.

And this is the problem with summer crafts.  Even if you’re able to successfully complete a stupid pin you saw on Pinterest, the most you can hope to get out of any craft is an hour.  You cannot place beads in a pan for more than an hour.  You can’t run through the sprinklers for more than an hour.  And you can’t paint the sidewalk for more than a minute without the risk of becoming flammable and starting a suburban forest fire.

That leaves me with approximately 12 to 15 hours of quantity time to fill each day. No human being is capable of this task.

So with 8 weeks left in summer break, The Beast is becoming incredibly belligerent because he can’t play outside.  This translates into hour-long naptime battles every day.  The Good One is bored reckless and is now picking fights with his brother for fun.  And my summertime stress is exhibiting itself by periods of binge eating combined with just a soupçon of alcoholism.

And this is why summer sucks when you live in Texas.

Amen and the end.

Thanks, Pinterest, for the fabulous idea. What a great hour we had. Yes, 40 minutes of it was spent cleaning beads up off the floor. But look what we have to show for it: very colorful, useless cake pans. And let’s not forget the destroyed lung tissue from inhaling toxic plastic fumes.

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16 thoughts on “Stream of Consciousness about the crappiness of summer.

      • Every craft after consuming a bottle of tequila is enjoyable 😉 And every part of this post made me laugh!

        I took off last week when daycare was closed to be with my children (7 and almost 3). I kid you not, we did 1,000,000 things. You know who is great at entertaining my kids? Other people and expensive places: beaches, waterparks, regular parks, the trampoline park, the inflatable playground, the zoo, the rides at the zoo, the movies, parades, the place where you paint ceramics, nature centers, and grandparents 🙂 Now, to do this all summer long, you will need $1,000,000. But it’s totally worth it. I’m doing it again in August. And I take 1,000,000 pictures. I plan to whip them out anytime the children whine that “we never do ANYthing!” “Oh yeah, see all these pics!??! These are the two weeks I ran us all ragged with FUN! You’d BETTER remember!”

  1. Oh wow. Just the other day, my hubby said…. “I wish I could get enough of a raise that you could stay home with the kids…” and I felt this wave of complete and total panic wash over me. I thought…. stay home with the KIDS???? Can I still send them to camp all day, every day? Otherwise… he could win the lottery… and I’d still be working!!!!! GOD BLESS work at home moms, teachers, camp counselors, daycare workers, and bus drivers!!!!!!! You are all my heroes!

  2. Holy cow!!! I have nothing but respect for moms. If your toddler is a supervillain than you are most definitely a SUPER HERO!!! I swear, I don’t know how my sister-in-law does it and she only has one, 4 year-old little girl (who I think is my Evil Twin or as my husband calls her, my mini me) Side note; was I really that difficult as a child? Really??? Oh wait, what??? I still am??? Um, oh boy. . . Anyhoo. . . I don’t know how you moms do it. I have no children of my own and after chatting with my sister some days, I am truly surprised that she hasn’t been taken away, ha, ha, hee, hee, ho, ho, to the funny farm. . . For what it’s worth, I hate summer too. I grew up in Vegas, as in Las Vegas, Nevada, and it is pretty much hell on earth in the summertime. Wouldn’t you know that the day my husband and I packed our stuff to move out of state, the temperature hit (ISYN) 119 degrees!!! No living being should have to endure 119 degrees. As we drove away all I could think was, good riddance to bad rubbish or something like that!

  3. The weather has been delightful in Pittsburgh and no fire ants. Not trying to lure you to move here. Do fire ants catch on fire in the Texas heat? The cake pans with multi-colored plastic beads would probably do well in a NYC art exhibit. After all, Yoko Ono was praised for displaying 3 piles of dirt.

  4. Eesh, I live in Ohio and it’s unbearable. I can’t begin to imagine summer heat in Texas! I could not do the stay at home parent gig. Nope. I’m a better mom when I’m working. Nothing but respect.

    Also… I kind of want to see this pin that inspired you. Does that make me crazy?

  5. Summer is definitely the “inside season” in Texas, I should know, after 20 years in Dallas I just escaped that hellhole 3 years ago. When my now husband, moved down there to be with me, after living in Pgh all his life, his actual first observation was “must be nice to have so much sunshine.” I just laughed, that desperate laugh of the damned and answered: “You know those cartoons, where the character is lost in the desert, and crawling, almost dead, and the sun just relentlessly beats down on him? Yeah, that’s what summer feels like in Dallas. You wake up, see that giant burning orb in the sky, again, not a cloud in the sky, and you curse it with all your might.”

    I do have a small suggestion. See if you can pick up one of those 9×9 canopies at WalMart or wherever you shop, and get one of those smaller pools with the flexi sides, put pool under canopy (so your children don’t get scalded by the boiling water) and chill out there with them, of course with the sprinkler washing over you. Only way to survive it.

    Texas … where pool owners complain in the summer that their pool now feels like a hot bath and is thus rendered completely useless..

    PS Congratulations on the snake. In Texas, everything must be killed lest it kill you first. Hell, we had neighbors who found a water mocassin in their backyard. KILL!

  6. I live in a tropical country almost sitting on the Equator. Most days, my hair is in flames from the heat. Plus, I just had a baby so there’s the sweating-like-a-man-24-hours-a-day syndrome.

    This is why I sit at home with my two tyrants with the AC cranked up to maximum. Also why we pay a fortune in electricity bills and eat cookies for dinner.

    PS: Kate of Sluiter Nation said you’re super funny so I came by. And she’s right!

  7. Ohio summers suck. There was a hurricane-force storm that basically ripped every tree from the ground. Guess what? There was a power outage. The rest of the time it’s 100 Fahrenheit or so.

  8. Pingback: Do Not Make Me Go Darth Vader on Your Ass! | My Toddler is a Supervillain

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