Do Not Make Me Go Darth Vader on Your Ass!

A few months ago The Good One had a friend over for the day.  (Yes, I’ve been meaning to write this post for a while.  I’ve been busy.  And I have a problem with procrastination.)  His friend was dropped off at about 10:00 a.m. and was being picked up at 5:00.  By about 3:00 The Good One and his friend had played outside, played Xbox, Legos, board games and pretty much everything but Barbies because I don’t own Barbies.

Aside:  The Beast loves Barbies.  I’ll have to write up the post about the belief I have that he’s going to be a man-slut one day, but that will have to wait for – well, for months due to the aforementioned procrastination problem.

So at 3:00, I was sitting comfortably at my computer, most likely Pinteresting summer crafts that no normally abled human being could actually complete successfully, when The Good One and his friend approached me.

Me: What’s up, boys?

The Good One: Well, we wanted to have a Nerf war but we want more people, so Friend was wondering if you could come outside and play with us?

Me: What the bloody hell are you asking me, child?  Does it look like I want to come outside and play with you?  I’m in the middle of Pinteresting this awesome bead craft that you and your brother are going to love, and here you are asking me to play.  The only reason I permit you to have friends over is so that I don’t have to play with you.  And, Good One, if I ever find out that you asked one of your friend’s moms to play with you, I will smack your teeth out of your head.

Okay, that last part is a lie.  What I really said was that I couldn’t come outside and play because The Beast was sleeping and that they would have to have a Nerf battle by themselves.

What is this world coming to when we have to play with our kids when they have friends over?  Is this the new norm?

One of my sisters and I recently discussed this whole “playing with our children” epidemic.

Sister:  My kids are killing me.

Me:  I know, if school doesn’t start soon, I’m probably going to stop loving them.  They can’t be together for more than five minutes without fighting.

Sister:  I know.  Mine fight all the time.  It makes me want to drink all day long.

Me:   Yeah, I consider it a good day if I didn’t have to put Schnapps in my coffee.

Sister:  What drives me nuts is that I have these Facebook friends and they’re all like, “I love my kids so much, they’re so sweet and perfect and I just love to play with them all day long.”  My daughter wants me to play Barbies all day and it makes me nuts.

Me:  I know.  I have those Facebook friends, too.  I hate them.   They’re always like, “I love every waking minute with my beautiful child who is a gift from God.”  Really?  Every waking minute?  Aren’t you exaggerating just a little bit?  I mean, I totally get the gift from God thing and I do appreciate my children, but there’s not a day that goes by that at one point or another I’m not putting my head in my hands and begging for the strength not to rip out my children’s vocal chords.  I honestly don’t know how Mom didn’t cook one of us in the microwave.

As children, my sisters and I never asked our mom to play with us.  We entertained ourselves and didn’t expect our parents to keep us busy.  Yes, we would play outside with our parents and they’d take us to the park, but under no circumstances did we ever ask our mother to play Atari or school or dolls.  We played and she went about the business of keeping the house from looking like five children lived in it.

Now it seems like we’re expected to spend every waking minute playing with our kids, making memories and soaking in their childhoods, and if we don’t enjoy this then we’re somehow not being the parent that society thinks we should be.

I get so sick of reading about how when we’re with our kids, we need to be fully focused on them and fully present to make sure that they grow up feeling loved and valued.  I think this is what the term “intentional parenting” refers to, and I would like to request that whoever came up with that term bend over so I can intentionally shoot a giant Nerf dart up his derrière.

There are moments when I truly enjoy my children and those moments are incredibly special, and I’m not saying that I ignore my children or play on my iPhone every time I’m in their presence, but there are some days that my physical presence is all I can offer them.  I might not be painting and playing cars or video games with them, but, by golly, I haven’t run away and that should count for something.

And if my children grow up to be serial-killing sociopaths, I highly doubt it’ll be because I told them to go outside and play by themselves.  It’ll probably be because I let them watch violent T.V. shows so I could cook dinner.

So, as far as my Facebook friends go, I figure one of a few things is occurring.

1. These Facebook friends are lying because they want to present the image of being perfect, super-awesome parents who love every minute of their lives and are capable of spending the whole day soaking up all of their children’s awesomeness and still provide clean underwear and a gourmet meal.  (This is the one I want to be true because otherwise my life truly does suck and I need to be medicated to continue on with this existence that is marked by incessant temper-tantrums, anger, fighting, laundry and trying to figure out what to cook for dinner.)

2. These Facebook friends are too high on meds to realize that playing Barbies and Hot Wheels is fun for about three minutes and then it just plain sucks.  How many times can one human being say “vroom, vroom” before it gets monotonous?  And how many times can you have the same Barbie conversation before you feel the urge to rip Barbie’s head off of her ridiculously busty torso?

3. These Facebook friends really do love to play all day and I just suck.  (This is my least favorite option.  I mean, I do play with my kids, but it certainly isn’t all day and I almost never enjoy it.)

I choose to believe that it’s option number 1, because for the past five minutes as I’ve been typing this blog post I’ve yelled at my kids nearly nonstop.  For your reading pleasure, here are some of the phrases I’ve used.   You have to read them as a shrill she-demon to get a real appreciation for what I sound like.

“Why the frack are you two fighting!?”  (Yes, I’ve managed to not use the real “F” word around my children.  This is an accomplishment worthy of an award, so feel free to send me one because I feel pretty awesome about it.)

“What is your problem!?”

“If you do not share those goldfish with The Good One I’m taking them off of you!”

“No, you do not get your own.  You will share or I’m going to put you in timeout!”

“Quit throwing things at your brother!”

“If you do not quit screaming I’m going to put you in timeout all flipping day!”

“Get off of the floor, quit screaming and go upstairs!”

“What the hell is that noise!?”

“So help me God, if you two don’t stop fighting I’m going to beat you both with a light saber!”

Right now The Beast is in timeout for assaulting The Good One because The Good One had the nerve to attempt to help The Beast clean up his toys.  The Beast is actually screaming at me, “I want to clean up by myself!  I want to do it!  I want to clean up by myself!”

The child is throwing a temper tantrum because he doesn’t want The Good One to help him clean up his toys.

What kind of Twilight Zone do I live in?

Surely my Facebook friends have moments like this that they don’t love.  Maybe it’s a matter of perspective and these friends just choose to focus on the positive aspects of their lives.  Maybe their intent isn’t to make me feel like crap.

But every once in a while it would be nice if they posted something about threatening to beat their children with light sabers.

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13 thoughts on “Do Not Make Me Go Darth Vader on Your Ass!

  1. I’m glad you wrote this! I definitely feel better about myself now. Lol. I am in an online group for moms with kids who are my son’s age, and all they talk about is how they are always coloring, reading, playing with them. I’m bored after 5 minutes of try

    • Got cut off- trying to get him to color. I end up coloring by myself and he goes off and does something else. My favorites are my Facebook friends who are constantly bragging about how they have the best husbands who are so great and they are so lucky! I can’t tell you how many of those “lucky” women are now getting divorces and their perfect husbands were doing something not so great…

  2. 1. This is why I don’t spend much time on FB — er, another reason, anyway. so many of them.
    2. You are not alone. You’re just not, and anyone who says you are is either lying or delusional.
    3. I don’t play with my kids, either, in general. I mean, sometimes, for a little bit. but I had three kids for a reason. Let them entertain themselves and each other. Although: the bickering. Save me from the never-ending bickering (I just wrote about that).
    4. Things I will do with my children: bake, go on walks, give them ideas and supplies for crafts, read.
    5. So help me, if my mother tells me one more time to play with my children, I am going to lose it on her. She *never* played with us. she sent us outside to play (she had three children too) and she cleaned the house. Seriously, mom. (I can say this here because my mom doesn’t read your blog. I’m pretty sure.)

  3. They’re lying. Your Facebook friends that is. Or they are seriously medicated. I don’t play with my kids either. I even wrote a post about it and all of my readers agreed with me. They either don’t do it, or they do it and hate it.

  4. I love your posts. They always make me giggle. Its too true. However, I am guilty of posting pics on fb from the 5 minutes of my day that I wasnt screaming at my son to stop pushing his sister, jumping on the couch, or screaming at him to go to his playroom. And thats another thing, he has a PLAY room. A whole room full of his crap intended to keep him outta my hair that he gets sent to whe Ive had enough. All I had was a barbie and a younger sister.

  5. Thank you thank you thank you. I love that you speak what the rest of us are thinking. My 6 year old will say “Mom, will you play Legos with me?” and for a minute I actually debate jumping out the (2nd story) window. I thought it was me…I thought because I didn’t love building Thomas the Train tracks and crawling around hardwood floors on my knees all day long that I was inadequate. Glad to know I have company!!

    (And it is option 1…they are all lying. I believe it too. Jump on the bandwagon with me!)

  6. We have multiple light sabers in our house, and I confess that it was just yesterday that I had to stop myself from ripping them out of my 2 & 4 yr old little girls’ hands and turning their weapons against them. Also, agree w/ option 1. The other one I love is how all these FB moms post sorrowful, tearful updates about the first day of school…baloney. The first day of school is going to be a celebration around here next year, and I refuse to feel guilty about it!

  7. It is absolutely option 1. This is why I try to stay off Facebook. Everyone likes to put their best possible image out there, even if it’s not true or only true for about 5 minutes out of the day.

  8. One of my most recent Facebook posts was: “Kids: Can we stay up late? Me: No. Kids: You are so mean! Sigh.” The reason I wouldn’t allow them to stay up late was not because it was good for them, or they had to get up early like a good mom reason would be, either. The honest answer was that I needed an hour of peace and quiet before I had to go to bed. You are not alone. I love my kids and I try to play with them sometimes, but the honest truth is that I have so much to do everyday between my job, the housework and the less than tidy husband that I just want some time to be by myself. Anyone who tells you differently is either on some really good tranquilizers or is faking it.

  9. Thank you. thankyou. Thankyou. I am having the most awful day with my 2 year old ( it’s 9.30am!) and reading this made me howl with laughter. Glad I’m not the only one x

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