Do you ever watch Gravity Falls? It’s an animated show that’s on Disney, and I think I love it more than my kids do. It’s about a brother and sister who go to live with their great uncle in a town that has some moderately odd supernatural things occurring.
Yes, I realize that I’m probably going to rot in hell for watching and allowing my children to watch a show that has supernatural aspects to it. (We also love Harry Potter.) But honestly, if God’s sending me to hell, he has a plethora of other things he can send me there for, way before he even gets to assessing my television habits. Things like eating pudding shots at 10:00 a.m., skipping church more often than going, and wishing my obviously immortal dog dead. (Dog update: She’s still not dead.)
I’m not really worried about Gravity Falls affecting where I spend all eternity.
Anyway, some of the phrases that are used on Gravity Falls are often repeated in my house. The Beast likes to chant “You Are Say” because he’s an idiot and doesn’t realize that Mabel (the sister) is chanting “USA.”
I’m kidding. My kid isn’t an idiot. He’s actually a genius, which is going to come in handy when he takes over the world. You think I’m joking, but one day, in about 30 years, when the aliens land on Earth and say, “Take me to your leader,” you’ll be taking them to The Beast’s secret lair.
In another episode of Gravity Falls, Mabel (the sister…didn’t we already cover this? You need to pay better attention) is watching a Jerry Springer-like show called “Girl, Why You Ackin’ So Cray-Cray?”
As you can imagine, this is great fun to say. We say it all the time. All of us. I say it to both of my kids, and The Beast has started to say it to me when he finds me doing something that he finds cray-cray.
He says it a lot.
Well, my friends, lately my cray-cray has been off the charts.
About two weeks ago, I was using a Q-tip to clean my ears and I poked my left ear a little bit and became convinced I popped my ear drum.
This instantly brought to mind an episode of King of the Hill (yes, I have a slight problem with associating all of life’s events to animated television shows) where Bobby Hill is in health class and the teacher says that sticking a Q-tip too far into your ear will lead to “a pop, followed by a lifetime of silence.”
I didn’t hear a pop followed by silence, but I’m not entirely confident that the writers of King of the Hill consulted an ENT while writing that episode, so I pulled up WebMD, which really needs to be removed from my computer. My life was so much less stressful before I could Google things.
Well, what I gathered from WebMD, a popped ear drum is like a giant, gaping vacuum that is sucking all of the bacteria out of the environment and right into your brain.
That may be a little bit off, but I’m pretty sure I’m close.
So now I’m afraid that my completely symptomless and painless left ear is actually just an asymptomatic popped ear drum, and I’m convinced that if I shower without an earplug, then I’m going to get a brain-eating amoeba in my ear, which will then travel to my brain.
So I’ve been showering with earplugs for two weeks. At first I attempted to use a plastic bag rubber-banded (gum-banded for those from Pittsburgh) around my ear, but that didn’t work because while the back of the ear is a nice rubber-band-holder, there is no such rubber-band-holding anatomy on the front of the ear and it kept slipping off.
You should try it. If you figure out how to do it, I want to see a picture.
Then I read that you can make an earplug with cotton and Vaseline. So, being the over-achiever of health and safety, I put a wax earplug in my ear and then attempted to create one of these cotton ball/Vaseline earplugs to put on top of it.
I’m now convinced that a cotton ball/Vaseline earplug is really just a giant internet hoax to make you look like an idiot, because you know what’s not physically possible? Putting Vaseline on a cotton ball.
What you end up with is a greasy cotton web that encases your entire hand, kind of like if you were trying to play with a spider web. And then if you manage to re-ball up the web of cotton and place it in your ear, you’ll spend the next week picking cotton out of your ear. However, the Vaseline that is now coating your ear will make it nearly impossible to actually remove the cotton. So then you’ll walk around with a shiny ear with white fuzz hanging out of it.
I speak from knowledge.
So I’ve resorted to just using the wax earplugs and holding a dry washcloth over my ear when I put my hair under the water. I fully expect that at some point in the future I’ll just give up on personal hygiene altogether.
Anyway, I hope to stop obsessing and stop showering with earplugs soon.
I’m not hopeful that I’ll be successful.
Pray that I’m able to wrap up this perpetual picnic of nuts that’s occurring in my brain and let go of some of my cray-cray.
Oh, and pray that I don’t go to hell for watching Gravity Falls. I’m going to be royally ticked if that’s the reason I end up there.