I can’t think of a snappy title for this post. It’s about a going-away party and making friends. Read it and then you tell me what you think it should be titled. I’ve got nothing.

You may or may not remember this, but I mentioned awhile back that our best friends were moving to Georgia because my best friend’s husband, Señor Tiny Junk, is a teat-suckling man-child who needed to move closer to his milk supply.

Too much?

If you don’t remember me mentioning this, couple things.  One, if you read all of my posts, you should get checked for early-onset Alzheimer’s.  Two, if you don’t read all of my posts, then you aren’t nearly as dedicated to me as you should be.  Kind of ticks me off.

Well, Audrey Hepburn and Señor Tiny Junk moved to Georgia in January.  We gave them a fabulous going-away party.  And by “fabulous” I mean sucky.  But we meant for it to be sucky.

Audrey Hepburn is all about classy parties with fancy dessert tables, color-coordinated party banners made with a Cricut and thematic tablescapes.  (Thank you, Sandra Lee.  You may suck at all things cooking but you’re pretty to look at and you gave me a word I like to use, unlike that hack Rachael Ray who gave us EVOO, but every time she says EVOO, she then says Extra Virgin Olive Oil so that we understand what she’s talking about and really she’s just wasting everyone’s time.)

Anyway, Audrey Hepburn likes class, so my other friend (Yes, I literally have two friends.  Shut up.) and I threw the Hepburn/Tiny Junk family a classless going-away party.  We used paper plates, and not the nice paper plates like Chinet.  We used the cheapest, flimsiest paper plates money couldn’t buy.  I can’t even guarantee that they were clean.  We used leftover napkins that I had in my pantry from Chik-Fil-A.  Also potentially used.

I made a crap ton of junky, preservative-filled food because it’s just what Audrey Hepburn hates.  And I made food labels.  But when you’re trying to demonstrate your displeasure regarding someone’s move, this is what your labels look like:

IMG_1626 (2)  IMG_4996 IMG_5724 IMG_6577 (2)

Here’s a picture of the tablescape:


The cake:

Christmas Going away 129

The very non-Cricut banner:

photo (3)So we threw them this going-away party, and then the next morning we sent them on their way to Georgia.

Since that time I have made no new friends.  Making friends is incredibly difficult when you’re a 40-year-old introvert who never leaves the house. The fact that I’m not very friendly also doesn’t help.

And it’s even more difficult to make friends with a couple that both spouses like.  Usually I make a friend and VSM finds the husband to be a tool, or he makes a friend and I won’t like the wife because, I don’t know, she says “yummy” a lot.

We actually do have one other set of friends, a husband and wife with three boys, but they’ve lived here their whole lives and have tons of friends and family, so they need us way less than we need them.

I recently met the woman who moved into the Hepburn/Tiny Junk house, and I instantly knew she and I wouldn’t be close friends.

My mother, who happened to be visiting at the time, said, “How can you tell so quickly that you won’t like her enough to be close friends with her?”

I said, “I can tell within three minutes of meeting you if I like you enough to want to get to know you better.  You, Mom, are just lucky I was a baby and therefore incapable of forming opinions when I met you.”

I’m kidding.  I love my mother.

But while I’m sure this new neighbor is an absolutely likeable woman, I did know within three minutes that I wasn’t going to be close friends with her because in that initial three-minute period she made sure to tell me that her husband is the manager of something.  I don’t remember what he is a manager of.  Probably a porta-potty cleaning company, but she was bragging like he runs a small country.

I felt like saying, “Yeah, well Virginia Slims Man is a boxer-short wearing, narcoleptic business owner whose snores could guide ships into harbor in a thick fog, but you don’t hear me bragging.”

Then she asked, “Is The Good One in the gifted and talented program at school?  My son is in the gifted and talented program at school.”

“No, The Good One is not in the gifted and talented program.  He thinks that the largest chain of barrier islands in the United States exists somewhere in the completely landlocked Midwest.”

Sadly, that’s a true story.

So basically my problem with her is this: She presents with her crazy.  You need to hold some of that crap back so that people don’t flee.  When you meet me, it’ll take a good couple of months before you realize that an argument could be made for my being institutionalized, but by then you’ll be so sucked in that fleeing won’t be possible and the only way to escape me will be to move to a different state.  That’s how you make lifelong friends.

Anyway, that’s where I stand right now.

Still only have two friends: one here, one far away.

On the upside, I’m just as popular as I was in high school.


22 thoughts on “I can’t think of a snappy title for this post. It’s about a going-away party and making friends. Read it and then you tell me what you think it should be titled. I’ve got nothing.

  1. I do not have a snappy title for this blog post. I have a title for your NEXT blog post:

    I want to tag this on facebook (please??) because it is so fabulously funny that it is just plain unfair to deny anyone the privlige of reading it. It was literally laugh out loud funny. Not in the the LOL sense but in the literal sense.

    Also, I had no idea who Sandra Lee was. (I am clueless to all things related to cooking). So I googled her and apparently she is known for “semihomemade” food. Why would you brag about semi-homemade food? Wow. That is bizarre. I don’t like her. I like you, because you make everything from scratch, without chemicals. (unless it is for my going away party).

    Also, I want to say that the people who bought my house couldn’t be my friends either because they have too many portraits and they painted my blue walls and they “antiqued” my cabinets. Why mess with a good thing?

  2. Best. Party. Ever. I also have few friends, and am a bit eccentric, so I can relate. Thanks for the smiles today – I really enjoyed reading this. But I’m sad for you that she moved away.

  3. first some titles: “GA can suck it” “so long, farewell, amen” or my personal favourite “go ahead abandon me, i’ll show you” Now to the comments section, THANK YOU for the best out loud laugh i have had in a loooooong time. Having been stuck in this armpit of central tx my darn self, i can only imagine what it’s like to lose someone who understands your own brand of crazy. it’s kind of why i’m procrastinating about applying to grad school. thank you again!

    • Yes, Caara, I will accept permission from you!!!!!! Done! As much as I like to think I am part of this small, elite, privileged group who gets to read her stuff, it is way too good and needs to be PUBLISHED!!!!

      • She hasn’t replied Chrstine, I think either she’s ignoring us or I may be in trouble Oh well, it all for the greater good. People need to laugh! This needs to be shared! 🙂

      • You always have my permission to post on FB. What’s the worst that could happen? Someone I write about could get PO’d that I blasted them online. They’ll hunt me down and stalk me. Maybe pull a gun on me. This is Texas, afterall. But really, it would just make for another blog post.

      • It was make for another blog post……hahahaha!!! Love it. You need to make the commitment to us, your fans, to write more often. We are all stalking you. And although I get the email that a new post has been written, I still come back in between. Like I noticed you fixed the “an”.

      • Yes, I did fix the “an.” I had written “an anti-classy” but then changed it to “classless” but forgot to change the “an.” Would you like to be my editor/proofer? It pays the same thing you’re making now.

        Sent from my iPhone

  4. I found this blog from someone posting a link on Facebook after a blog slamming of the Pioneer Woman was posted. I was instantly hooked. I am now a cyber stalker who checks nearly every day to see if there is a new post. Yeah I know I could request notifications but what fun is that. I too had a best friend abandon me just before my 2nd baby was born to move to Kentucky. I was stuck with no best friend, no family around and a crabby baby I would have loved to have left on her doorstep a time or two or 100. Sad times. I wish I thought of the going away un-party idea. I would have served up beef and pork since they don’t eat either of those (hey it was the only ridiculous thing about them so I kept them as friends).

  5. This is by far the best recap of a party I have ever read on a blog. Typically it’s all “I bought these at Michaels” or “I decopaged (sp?) these toothpicks becuase obviously they needed to match the THEME.” Bravo — I LOVE the idea and I hope they had so much fun. “This is Coleslaw. It’s gross” cracked me up. I was a fan before but add me to your cyber stalker list.

  6. Pingback: To recap… | My Toddler is a Supervillain

  7. Pingback: The Two Best Selfies You Will Ever See in Your Life | My Toddler is a Supervillain

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