This is why I drink.

A conversation with The Beast

Me:  Beast, it’s time to clean up your toys and get ready for bed.

Beast:  What are toys?

Me:  Toys are those things you play with, like your trains and cars.

Beast:  What are cars?

Me:  Cars are vehicles that people drive.

Beast:  What’s a vehicle?

Me:  A vehicle is anything that is used to move things around, like cars and trucks and airplanes.

Beast:  What’s an airplane?

Me:  An airplane is a vehicle that flies in the air.

Beast:  What’s air?

Me:  Air is the oxygen that we breathe.

Beast:  What’s breathe?

Me:  Breathing is when you take in air through your mouth and nose and fill up your lungs.

Beast:  What are lungs?

Me:  Lungs are organs in our bodies that help us breathe and stay alive.

Beast:  What’s alive?

Me:  Alive means not dead.

Beast:  What’s dead?

Me:  It means you don’t breathe anymore.

Beast:  What’s breathe?

Me:  Dear Lord in heaven, PLEASE DO NOT ASK ME ANY MORE QUESTIONS!!

Beast:  What’s heaven?

Whoever said that we should answer our children’s questions and do things to spark their curiosity is a top-notch Nimrod who evidently didn’t have a 3-year-old who liked to ask questions just to piss off his mom.

From now on, no one in my house is allowed to ask a question.  If you’re in my house and you’re curious about something, feel free to step outside onto my porch and ask Siri or Google, but if you ask a question I will punch you in the face.

Amen.

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6 thoughts on “This is why I drink.

  1. I composed a follow up to Please Go The F To Sleep for my 3 year old…

    You have so many questions my darling.
    Brain cells multiplying like mice.
    But if u could not talk for five minutes,
    That would be really nice.

    I don’t know what grass is made of.
    Water, wait this one I know!
    2 molecules of hydrogen one oxygen,
    Otherwise known as h2o!

    What’s hydrogen? Of course u would ask that.
    I’m sorry I don’t know, it’s sad.
    U know what I think u should do though?
    Why don’t you go ask your dad!

    I don’t know if bad guys wear underwear.
    Or how many drops of water are in a cup.
    Honey, I have just one question for you now,
    Could you please shut the F up!

  2. I have conversations like this with my older son ALL. THE. TIME. It’s annoying as hell. Eventually, when he asks me something stupid (“What’s a car, Mommy?”), I respond with “You know what a [insert ridiculous item here] is!” He usually giggles and then moves on.

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